Want to share my feelings. Give your opinions

Hi everyone.

I don't know if I am at right place to seek advice.

I don't know where to start from, to explain my issue. So I am writing every thing in detail. Sorry for the long long story.

OK. I am 24 yr old South Indian Hindu gal and the guy I have issue with is 21 yr old a Catholic from Kerala. We both are in Canada. I have described about this guy in one of my last paragraphs.

In 2006, I started a part-time student job at a restaurant as front staff. Then this guy started working at the same place in 2007 as part-time student too. In the beginning, we were just friendly to each other sometimes jokes, arguments, teasing each other etc. Then after a year and a half or so, he changed his attitude towards me like talking less, showing kindness, sometimes smiling, sometimes serious or sometimes just staring. Then one day while i was just talking with one of his friend who is also my co-worker slipped out of his mouth that this guy has crush on me. I just heard it and went away from there. I didn't take it seriously at all as I thought it must be like one of his stupid pranks. I pretended as if I haven't heard it properly. Even though if it was kinda true still I didn't wanted to accept it. I have explained the reasons for this in one of last few paragraphs. Then, as usual the same attitude was continued.

Then I went to India for a month of vacation. When I came back from India, I noticed some kind of happiness on his face when we saw each other. Even myself. I don't know why. And he continued the same attitude again. Yet, I was behaving normally with him as I used to. Then, whenever I had a shift to work and he doesn't, he started staring at me sometimes from outside the store through a glass window where he used to park his car at distance in a parking lot right across the window. Days passed away like that.

I don't know exactly what he meant for his staring whether as a joke or serious. I have to admit that he hadn't any bad intentions with that staring. Coz, much against my wish, I eventually get lost in his eyes whenever we make an eye contact. At that time, my heart falters in doubts of hope and despair. Wish I cud read exactly the language of his eyes.

Then, sometimes we used to have shifts at different days and different timings. At those times I started having this strange feeling. Like i used to miss him, eager to see him. When I see him I used to be happy. And sometimes when we used to work together, I used to ask him to help for silly things. Despite of that he still used to help. But, still we didn't communicate with each other that much.

Then in 2009 beginning of the summer, I got admission from a university(which is very far away from that place) to start from September. So I informed my manager about it that i have to quit the job in two months. Somehow all the staff came to knew about it including him. Then I noticed that he seemed so upset. He didn't try to show it but i kinda read his face. Everyone were asking questions about me leaving them but he didn't utter a word. He started taking night shifts and I used to hardly see him at work. Then on the last day of my job, everyone came to the workplace to say me bye even his friends. I was looking throughout my shift if he comes and says bye to me. But he didn't. I thought he just has no courtesy to say bye. My shift was over , my dad came to pick me up. And as i stepped outside, what i see is, he is sitting in his car next to my dads car, just seeing me leaving. That last eye contact continuously for like a min was extremely painful for me. I couldn't speak to him coz my dad was next to me.

It always questions in my mind that if he was along with his friends on that day then why did he come inside with them to say me bye. Instead he sat in his car until I left and watch me going.

But when we had an eye lock moment at those last few minutes was breathtaking like I almost stopped breathing for a moment. As hard as I try to describe what I saw and felt in His eyes, I fall short every time. I heard nothing, said nothing. Yet, why I was restless at heart?

ABOUT HIM: Basically, as far as I know him at workplace for like 3 years, what I came to know gradually in these 3 years was that he is sort of a different guy among his friends. He and his friends are well known to my other coworkers. What i came to know from them was that, while all of his friends have girlfriends and always talk about girls and etc. etc., he doesn't even have one girlfriend. But he is normally very friendly and helpful to everyone as I noticed. And always cracking jokes sometimes silly.

Now at present since i have come here so far. Its been a more than a year and, I keep thinking of him always, dream of him, his eyes. A strange feeling torments my heart. But I cannot contact him neither can he as i don't know his phone no. I cant even go and meet him as I live so far now.

And one thing, definitely I am not diverting my mind from my studies coz of him.

REASONS: At one side I wanted him but at the same time I didn't want to fall in this pit as :-
1) our relationship will not be accepted at all by my parents coz of age difference and different religion.
2)I don't know if he still likes me or not and if he does is it more than just a crush or not?
3) I have no clue where to start from to know about this. I don't know if he is still working there or not.
4) I had this thought in my mind that even if i accept him now, it will be fine for sometime coz we will be together as wanted. But, later on, when it is time to tell our parents about us, they wont accept it. And the pain that it will give of falling apart will be more painful than it is right now.

But now i am helpless. Why I keep thinking of him, dreaming of him? I feel like something is dragging me.

Can this be love or is it something else?

I myself did not admit this as love. Yet, I felt there was something strange between us. And, I think he felt the same too but did not want to express it coz of the same reasons as I have got like studies, career, age difference etc etc. But I am not able to forget that last eye contact we had. I cant explain you. A strange feeling torments my heart.

It is been over a year now and I am still missing him. But though it is difficult, I am trying hard to erase it out of my mind gradually. Logically, some things can and can't happen. And, love is not the only important thing in my life. lets see if we meet again in future. I want to see if he has the same feeling in his eyes or not. I want to realize how much i missed him and he missed me. If the same feeling is not going to be there then it is fine, I wont get disappointed. So, I'm trying to ration it all out for now.

O and to just let you guys know that I recently googled on his full name and I was able to find his blog which was recently created by him in which he wrote about himself. And while reading his blog, where he also wrote about his work history, I came to know that he quit that job last year and now he has joined another job. While reading his blog what I realized is that he is quite ambitious guys!

I know I can contact him through his blog but, no I shouldn't be doing it right now. He is really ambitious and so am I. He is just 22 now. I don't want to divert his career-focused mind.
I think I should leave this matter here itself.

  Am I doing right?

please give me suggestions.

so all d best ......

hope u find him soon n live happily .......