'Walk alone, you must walk alone' | Panchi OS

'Alvida, yaara alvida,

Ho rahe, tumse hum juda,

Le chale, saare gham tere,

Khush rahe, yaara tu sada.

Tumse bhi zyaada hongi, ab yaadein pyaariyaan,

Hum donon ki hain apni, apni laachariyan'

Panchi Rastogi couldn't help but stop in her tracks as soon as she heard 'Yaariyan' blare out of her speakers.  A face flashed right in front of her mind's eye. Memories so powerful that it caused her knees to give way, making her sink right down to the marble floor.

The face belonged to none other than Ranveer Shergill. She'd had a soft corner for him ever since she could remember. Those brown eyes, that charming dimpled smile; no wonder girls were attracted to him like moths to a flame. She remembered the first time she'd met him; he'd helped her make a sandcastle on the beach. She didn't know his name, he didn't know hers; they just sat there, collecting wet sand, moulding it in shape to make a beautiful structure.

Moulding. It's such a funny word, Panchi smiled sadly as she thought about the friendship that the two of them shared.  When they had met in Royal Academy a few days later, having joined the school on the same day, they knew they'd share a wonderful friendship. With personalities like chalk and cheese, they'd learnt to mould each other according to their relationship as 'best friends'.

She didn't know what had changed; whether it was him, or her, she had no idea. High school had changed both of them; he had discovered the 'beauty' and 'charm' in being the school's Casanova and she had learnt to harbour her feelings for him, never letting it come in the way of their relationship.

'Marz bhi hai deti,

Chain bhi hai deti,

Dard bhi hai deti,

Jaan bhi hai leti,

Yaariyaan'

A lonely tear escaped her eye. Her stomach was feeling all funny, and so she sat there, pulling her knees to her chest, clutching them tightly.  It hurt. Whenever she saw him with another girl, whispering sweet nothings into her ear, it hurt. She wanted to be that girl. She wanted him to hold her, take care of her, and protect her from everything that tried to harm her. When she'd heard him call Aisha his girlfriend, she felt like a billion knives had been thrown at her. All at once. That too, without a warning. Therefore, she obviously felt like breaking down. Sinking to the floor right there and bawling her eyes right out. However, she couldn't do that. She had put up a brave smile and told Aisha that it was nice to meet her. And just like that, Ranveer was pleased. 

He was her Prince Charming, and her 'magical' fantasy had come crashing down around her as another memory overpowered her. One in which Ranveer had so carelessly classified her as his 'teddy bear'. Which, when she thought back to it, was nothing compared to what he'd done last night. When he'd told her that she was fake, that she didn't know what friendship meant; that she had betrayed him; that she was nothing but a girl who loved girls, that she was to stay the hell away from him. Every single word that he'd harshly spat out, was acting like one more knife added to her body. Was that all everything they shared had come to? She didn't know. She didn't know.

The tears had started to fall freely now, and all she could think of was the time when he'd told her everything. He'd told her that she was his rock. He'd told her never to let him be by himself. He'd told her he'd never hurt her.  He had told her she was the only part of his day that was 'real'.  He closed her eyes tightly, trying to block the images out of her head, but they kept coming back, haunting her.

'Ab jeene ko jaane ko, na koi rasta,

Tanhaiyon se hoga, ab dil ka vaasta,

Hum khud hi khud ko,

Kar lenge laapata'

Panchi pulled her head up from her knees only to stare at the mirror that was placed directly opposite to where she was seated.  She could see a blurry image of herself, cheeks tainted with tears; her smile lost into oblivion, her eyes replacing the spark within them with an irritable shade of red, sprouting tears steadily.

This is how she felt about herself; blurry. She felt like she had lost a very important part of herself. She had lost who she was. Despite being surrounded by people, she couldn't help but feel lonelier by the minute. Was this how it going to be? She stood up, and walked towards the mirror. She saw herself at that very minute for what she was; vulnerable, scared and alone. There wasn't a single thing that she could turn to at this very minute for solace. It used to be Ranveer, wiping her tears every time she cried ' usually about someone calling her fat. He had always wiped her tears, telling her it was going to be okay; and now, he'd told her to get lost and shed the crocodile tears elsewhere. Now, she had no one but herself, and that wasn't a very comforting thought. 

'Maan le tu aise,

Hain zara bhole se,

Jaante hai waise,

Hain nibhaani kaise,

Yaariyaan'

She was naive. Every single time she watched a Disney movie, her face lit up like a child's on Christmas morning. She knew that her happy ending was round the corner somewhere. It was waiting for her. It was waiting with open arms and when she found it, she would get lost inside it forever and that was that. Her happy ending, her world, with her Prince Charming; where everything would be perfect. Little did she know that as time went by, her dreams would gradually get tainted with the harshness of the reality that was her life.

She remembered the time when she had covered for Ranveer when the prank on Banga sir had been pulled. She remembered standing a few steps in front of him, her back facing his front. She knew she had to protect him, just like he'd always done for her. She had lied, many a times, despite her wishes. Last night was no different. She'd lied for him, she'd said that Aisha was her cousin, just to get her into the party. However, with her mind reeling with the news of Aisha and Ranveer being together, and stupid girls teasing her, she'd cracked; cracked when Jaitley sir had asked her whether Aisha was really her cousin or not. She'd replied, her voice quivering, with a no. She had no intentions whatsoever of hurting Ranveer; but she should have known better. She didn't have a guilty conscience from lying anymore; which was the plus side of the whole situation. OH WHO was she kidding!? She felt pathetic. Even though she knew she'd done the right thing, she knew; her friendship with Ranveer was hanging on a frayed piece of string. One more tug, and it would break. 

She couldn't help but ask again; what changed? What changed so drastically, that she wasn't his 'rock' anymore, but merely a 'teddy bear'? Merely a thing that, he carried around when he felt lonely?; merely someone who was 'fake'? She cried for him, she cried for herself, she cried for their friendship that was lost somewhere along the way; she cried for her loss.

'Marz bhi hai deti,

Chain bhi hai deti,

Dard bhi hai deti,

Jaan bhi hai leti,

Yaariyaan'

They were friends. They were supposed to be each other's shield; be it from anything! Yes, she'd cracked when Jaitley sir had asked her in a sharp voice, for the truth. He HAD to know that she couldn't lie in situations like these. He HAD to. However it seemed to Panchi that he was more concerned with saving his own skin at the time. Panchi had seen it in Jaitley sir's eyes; that he knew the truth already. Had she lied, the consequences would have been severe. She knew that; he didn't. She had shielded him yet again; and he'd failed her, yet again. 

Panchi gradually made her way towards her bed and lay down. She was exhausted and she didn't know what to do anymore. She wasn't strong. It wasn't as though she hadn't tried. She had, and each time, she had failed miserably. She expected too much, and got nothing in return. She gave it her all, and didn't get anything back. She was like a piece of glass; on which people threw rocks over and over again, causing her to break down in shreds, never to be whole again. She had to change. For the better, for herself, and this time, there wasn't going to be anyone trying to break her. Not if she could help it. As that thought entered her mind, she clutched her blanket tightly around her and drifted off to sleep.

Panchi Rastogi was going to be okay. 

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And that's a wrap everyone! :P 

Obviously, the song isn't mine, it's 'Yaariyaan, reprise version' from the movie Cocktail; I've just used it to convey my thoughts! :) The show isn't mine either, DUH. :P

Cheers!

Raina