Note:Hey guys, long time huh.
Exams are over (for now) so I'm back to updating. I don't know if this is good or not because I don't trust my brain at the moment. It deceived me when I needed it the most. So I'm sorry if it's not up to expectations.
||Chapter
Nineteen||
Unintentionally Hurting
'Why is it that when an individual who never really intends to hurt the person or people they love, they end up hurting them?' he thought to himself as he slowly walked up the stairs. Hurting someone unintentionally was something he never wanted to do but Viraat managed to do it anyway. First as a child, then with Maanvi and now with his brother too.
Two days had passed since Viraat had come home and three days since his brother had found out and shaved off his hair. The event shocked Maanvi and Jeevika more than it affected him though. Viraat had grown used to his brother sacrificing the littlest things for him that he was almost immune to them. But that didn't mean that the ever present guilt which dwelled inside him stopped growing because it only got deeper.
He was nearing the top now; just a couple of steps left and he'd have done it. Being ill made people want to feel alive; live life, but all Viraat did was wonder if he really deserved to live at all. If all he was capable of was bringing pain to others, then wasn't it just better to die? 'Maybe I should just end it,' he pondered finally making it to the fourth floor. Breathless and aching in all places, Viraat stared at the staircase and weighed his options. Suicidal thoughts - Yet another side effect of cancer.
*
Maanvi gently swayed back and forth on the swing and stared in to the sky. There was still a good 15 minutes left till sunrise but she decided not to take any chances and be there on time. A lot had changed and quite quickly too. Her sister and Viren moved in with them and Viraat was sent home for two weeks. She barely had any time with Viraat though considering she and Viren spent hours in cancer team meetings trying to figure out why Viraat's body hated chemotherapy more than other bodies. Luckily Jeevika was there to stay with Viraat when Maanvi wasn't around and Maanvi could not love her sister enough for that. The meetings were anything but productive and every treatment offered had its drawbacks. They did settle for one in the end though but it came with 70% survival rate. That means there is a 30% chance that it won't end well.
Maanvi slowly closed her eyes and tried sorting out the mess that occupied her mind. It was an impossible task but it helped her think clearly. Or so she believed.
"Partner?"
She opened her eyes and smiled seeing him sitting on the swing next to her. He coughed suddenly and her smile quickly turned in to a frown and she immediately jumped up. "How'd you get here? Why are you panting? It's cold, let me get you a blanket," she said in one go and turned to walk away. He held on to her hand and pulled her causing her to turn back and trip. She would have fallen on top of him if she hadn't held on to the ropes and steadied herself in time. She stared in to his eyes which still sparkled in the morning darkness and pressed her forehead in to his. He brushed her fingers away from her eyes and on cue, she shivered.
"Hey beautiful," he whispered.
"Hi," she whispered back forgetting what she had to do. He shuffled and made space for her to sit. "We won't fit," she said.
He smirked. "Yes we will, if you haven't noticed I've lost quite a lot of weight." He pulled her and she reluctantly sat down. He was right, she did fit. "Why do you keep running away from me?" he asked with a hint of amusement as she leaned on to his shoulder.
"I don't answer stupid questions."
He gasped. "Did you just call me stupid?"
"Yes actually, I did," she replied. "For example, why would you take the stairs when there's a lift?"
He leaned back and started to swing. "I took the stairs because I can and I've decided early on not to restrict myself from the simple things that I can do in life."
She lifted up her head and looked at him with sorry eyes. "You won't let me apologise will you?"
He half smiled and looked up at the sky. "Why did you pick law?"
"That's a bit random."
"All questions are random; you can't go asking the same questions over and over again, now where's the fun in that?"
She laughed quietly. "Viraat Vadhera, they guy with an answer to everything," she murmured. There was a brief silence before she turned to also look at the sky and said, "My mother died Viraat. No trial, no case, she just died and the person who tormented her is roaming the streets like a free man." She took a pause. "People pick law because it interests them, or because it's good pay or-"
"-Your grandfather is Vijay Singh Vadhera," he added.
"Exactly," she looked at him, "I picked law for revenge."
*
"Waiting for your Mom?" he asked softly. There was just two minutes left till sunrise. She nodded and laced her fingers through his. "Maanvi?"
"Hm."
"Please go to school."
It was a weird question - asking your girlfriend to go to school - but Viraat and Maanvi were an exception. He waited patiently, giving her some time to accept his plea. 'This was the right thing, for both of them.
"I can't," she finally said.
He stopped the swing and she got up and walked a few steps facing away from him. "Why?" he asked.
"You know why," she replied tiredly.
"I am not going to be the reason for you not achieving your dream," he argued. His chest hurt horribly and beads of sweat trickled down his face but he wasn't giving up. "You told me yourself why you picked law then how can you just leave it incomplete!"
"Viraat, I can't leave you like this," she tried justifying. He winced painfully and tried to keep his eyes open but everything seemed blurry. "I won't be able to do any work anyway so what's the point."
"But I'm telling you to go," he desperately fought back trying to overcome the pain. "Please understand-"
"Understand? Why can't you UNDERSTAND! It's NOT up to you if I stay or if I go!" she shouted back before she could stop herself. She regretted it immediately and exhaled deeply and slowly turned around. "I didn't mean to shout-" her fear left her sentence hanging and she rushed to his side. He was off the swing now, his body arched over on the floor, his arms clutching his stomach. She immediately rubbed his shoulders in an attempt to lessen his pain.
"Try to sit up okay, it will go soon," she said helping him lean against the wall.
"Promise Maanvi," he coughed/groaned.
Maanvi reached in to her pockets and took out the emergency sachets she kept. She took two pills out and quickly grabbed a water bottle from the table and kneeled beside him. "Viraat," she said trying to lift him up, "take these you'll feel better."
He pushed her hand away and declined. "No."
"Stop being childish and take the damn tablets," she ordered strictly.
"Do you promise?" he asked still adamant.
She held on to his hands and in a low tone said, "Why are you hurting yourself?"
"Why are you hurting yourself?" he countered back pushing her hand away again.
She kept trying and he kept pushing her away till she couldn't take his suffering anymore. "I promise, okay, I promise. Now please.." she passed him the pills, "take them."
Viraat stopped resisting and she carefully helped him swallow the tablet. He managed to sit up a couple of minutes later and they both sat silently staring at each other.
"It doesn't mean anything," she said first.
He looked up. "Yes it does."
She shook her head. "No it doesn't."
He sighed. "You can break every promise Maanvi, but you can't break the promises you make to yourself because I won't let you."
She buried her head deep in to her knees hiding herself away. He wasn't allowed to be right all the time. "I really don't like you," she said, her voice barely audible.
"You made a promise to yourself for your mother and now you made one to me," he said.
"I really, really, really don't like you!" she said louder this time.
Viraat leaned forwards and gently placed her head to his chest and kissed her hair. He hated blackmailing her and hurting her but he needed his second promise.
"I really wish you didn't like me," he said meaning every word.
"Some people don't understand the promises they're
making when they make them," I said.
Isaac shot me a look. "Right, of course. But you keep the promise anyway.
That's what love is. Love is keeping the promise anyway."
- John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
Thanks for reading and take care.
- Ava
