Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?" When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good" and Janice fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, Janice didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good," and Janice fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it up your ass!"
... the teacher fainted!
The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.
A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...
"Shit" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.
<font size="3"><font face="Calibri">The town fathers were looking for a way to increase
attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested
bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired,
publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.</font></font>
<font size="3" face="Calibri"></font>
<font size="3"><font face="Calibri">A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the
town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The
hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the
watch..."</font></font>
<font size="3" face="Calibri"></font>
<font size="3"><font face="Calibri">The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and
forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes
followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and
the watch fell to the floor...</font></font>
<font size="3" face="Calibri"></font>
<font size="3"><font face="Calibri">"Shit" said the hypnotist.</font></font>
<font size="3" face="Calibri"></font>
<font size="3" face="Calibri">It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.</font>
There was a man who had had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first.
No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said "You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove your testicles."
The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.
On his way home he walks past a taylor shop with a sign saying "ALL SUITS HALF PRICE"
Being in need of a new suit he walks in where a man greets him and says "Hello Sir I see you want a suit, I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant."
"Wow! How did you know that?" said the man.
"Why Sir I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?"
"Sure" says the man. "Okay I'd say that you're a size 10 wide."
"Ok, now you're freaking me out...Thats a great talent" says the man.
"Thanks" replied the shopkeeper, "Now how about some undergarments?"
"Ok see if you can guess my size", said the man.
"Easy 36" said the shopkeeper.
"Nope 34" replied the man.
To which the shopkeeper exclaimed "Impossible a size 34 would skwish your testicles against your spine and you'de get a headache".
Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.
The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.
Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."
The next day, while listening to the news they hear:"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people..."
One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor.
After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"
"Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously.
"Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"
"Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company."
About 5 minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"
"I'm right year Doc," he said.
"Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"
"Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."
A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"
"Right here docta," he said.
"Wonderful news! It's-"
"Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."
