He used to say he was Aladdin and I was his Jasmine. It always made me laugh a lot. 😆
He was a security guard in one of the casinos I used to visit. Before I met him, I never really had time to think about love. My friends sometimes used to tease me, that maybe I was a lesbian, that's why I didn't care whenever a guy approached me. 😆 But the truth is, that I want to be with one man and one man only - my future husband. I only want him to know me in the most sacred of ways. I have felt this way for as long as I can remember. I'm not very religious, but I have some principles in life I live by.
He had those beautiful blue eyes. But besides the eyes, he was very handsome, kind, sympathetic, had a great sense of humor and an easygoing temperament... He was my muscle man, but an intelligent and respectful one. He was an Arab and he accepted my opinions and me as a person 100 percent. So I could not help but fall in love with him.
In the beginning, everything went fine. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world, because he treated me like a princess. My mom was a little skeptical at first, cause he did not have the same background as me. So she had a hard time accepting him. But his charm and lovely person, made my mom realize, that it was not important where he was from, if he could just make me happy.
At that time I had also been fighting with my gambling addiction for almost 2 years. Only my best friend was aware of that, neither my mom nor he knew. I am a former compulsive gambler. The casino used to be my second home, and I got an adrenaline rush from betting online and being in different casinos every weekend. I am a sports-junkie. Love all kinds of sports and I watch it whenever I get the time. Be it Football (Premier league, La Liga, Italian Serie A, French ligue 1, German Bundesliga and the Turkish super lig), tennis, boxing, NHL, NFL or cricket.
I hate to lie, but I did it every day to keep my gambling problems hidden from him. He knew something was wrong, cause he used to ask me how I could afford to buy expensive jewelry and Louis Vuitton bags, when I only worked part-time during my studies. He more or less begged me to tell him the truth, but my big ego got in the way. I felt like, if I told him the truth, I would lose the battle against my addiction. It's very hard to explain someone who does not know this kind of addiction. It's just like a hidden illness, because there are no obvious physical signs or symptoms like there are in drug or alcohol addiction. Problem gamblers typically deny or minimize the problem. They also go to great lengths to hide their gambling, like I was doing. I was just day-by-day losing control of my life. But he never gave up on me.
I gave up on myself. I dropped out of college, quit my job and was alone in my apartment every day besides the weekends, where I visited the casinos in Sweden, Norway or Germany. And whenever I was away for the weekend, I lied to him about where I had been and what I have been up to. I was living this double life that only my friend knew about. I told myself everyday, that today, I would stop, but it was impossible for me. I could spend all day gambling online.
On my birthday, march 11th, he invited me out. Sitting there in my favourite Italian restaurant with him, made me forget my problems for a while. He complimented my dress, my long curly black hair, my smile, my eyes...And I blushed like a little girl. He was a gentleman as always, but today everything felt a little different. I noticed he seemed very nervous and the way he looked at me, I had never seen him behave like this before. He said he had forgotten my birthday gift in his apartment cause he was in a hurry.
When he opened the door to his apartment, I got a shock. My family and his family... Everyone was there. And there were red roses everywhere on the floor. He took my hand in his, and said the day he met me was the best day in his life. It felt like my heart stopped beating for a moment. And then he went down on one knee, took a ring out of his pocket and asked - "Will you be my wife".
I don't know how I made it through that night. Everyone was happy and my mom hugged and kissed me so many times. I haven't seen her so glad before. Why wasn't I happy? I loved him I truly did, so why was I not happy? - On the outside I smiled, and inside I was a mess - A mess who had lied and never been completely honest to him. He did not deserve a liar as wife. That was my only thought that night, when I cried myself to sleep, with his ring on my finger. Next morning my mom called to tell me, that she wanted to throw an engagement party for both of us, where everyone will be invited. I didn't say much. I couldn't really think clearly.
I could make a living out of gambling, but since the night on my birthday, I began losing money every day. I couldn't live with my bad conscience anymore. I began having unpleasant feelings such as stress, depression, loneliness, fear, and anxiety. I went to the doctor because I also had trouble sleeping. I could stay up all night, and then run around like a zombie all day without sleep. He gave me sleeping pills, but it made it all worse.
The day on my engagement party I had a breakdown. My mom gave my best friend the responsibility to pick me up at the hair salon and drive me to the party hall. Everyone was waiting for me, but I never showed up. I don't remember much from that day, but my friend has told me that I was shaking and crying when I went out from the salon. And I almost fainted.
He did not deserve to be treated like this. I cannot imagine what he must have gone through when I did not show up, cause he didn't do anything wrong. He just loved me. I was a coward. I should have told him everything from the start. So I didn't need to destroy everything between us, because of my bad conscience.
I lost my apartment because I could not pay the rent. I was indifferent to everything. There were days where I just went from one place to another. Where I slept at my old school I had dropped out of. I still had my student card to gain access to the school. I had already lost everything because of my addiction, so what was the meaning of my life. But what hurt me the most was, that I had hurt the people who meant everything to me. They tried to help me, but I did not want anyone's help.
It has been a tough fight for me to overcome all this. I've been in rehab and to the psychologist, I have finished my education, I have my own apartment again, my mom is there to support me, I still have my friend. I have everything... except him.
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