Chapter Fifteen
"Nidhi! NIDHI! Have you even heard a word of what I have been saying for the past 20 minutes?"
Nidhi blinked and looked at Anji. "Yes Anji I am listening."
Anji shook her head. "Buddy, you need to stop trying to fool me. You didn't hear a word. Nidhi, what the hell is wrong with you yaar? You have even stopped sharing things with me these days."
Share what? What was there to share? People say that there is no sound when a heart breaks. But she could swear she heard her heart breaking into a million pieces and the sound of every tiny bit crashing to the ground the day he had come to her house and told her family about his move to Mumbai. Five months! It's been five months since that fateful day. Five months since she last saw him. Five months since she heard his voice. Five long empty months she battled the loneliness and pain.
She was surrounded by her family and her best friends spent most of their time with her yet she was lonely. She felt a huge void all around her. A void that she could not breech and reach out to the rest of the world. She felt empty. Incomplete. Yes. that's what she felt. She felt incomplete. And she needed him to complete her. It was not about sex, although her body screamed and called her names in the still silent darkness of the night. Had she said yes that day, her body would now be rejoicing in his possession. Her lips would be devouring his. Her eyes would be drinking in his sight. Her lungs would be breathing in the scent that's so uniquely his own. Her hands would be free to trace all the familiar counters of his body. Her legs would wrap themselves around his waist and hold him to her and delight in his rough groans of pleasure and possession. But she hadn't said yes. And here she was..in a hell of her own making.
What she felt was not just an itch that needed scratching. It had never been that. There was no other way to put it. He completed her. Whenever she gave herself to him, she had felt as if she had completely shed her old self and become someone else. Someone who belonged to him heart, body and soul. It wasn't calm or peaceful. But it was joyful and exhilarating. And in some corner of her heart, she had hoped that he felt the same. That in some fundamental way, it was a new experience for him too..that it was not just passion and desire that had made him come to her time and again. That there had been pain in his eyes when he had come to say his good bye.
"Nidhi..tu phirse khogayi?" Anji cupped her friend's cheeks. "Baat kya hain yaar? Can't you share it with me?"
Nidhi shook her head. "Baat kuch nahi hain Anji. What do I say?" She tried to divert the topic. "Meri chod. Apni suna. How is Rohan's second book coming along?"
Anji's eyes sparkle with joy which does not go unnoticed by Nidhi. And it was not the first time she had observed that either. Somewhere along the way, the relationship between both of her friends had changed. She never went and asked Rohan about it. But she was sure Anji definitely feels something more for him.
"Its going well. He met the editor yesterday. She is one tough lady yaar. No beating around the bush. But I must say she was mighty impressed with what he has written so far. I have already begun to hunt for his cover page picture."
She claps and almost bounces with excitement.
"Tum dekhna Nidhi..this one will be a bigger hit than the first one. He is going to take the literature world by storm."
"Did you tell him?"
Anji frowned. "Tell him what?"
Nidhi smiled at her friend tenderly. "That you are crazily in love with him."
Anji's mouth dropped open before she closed it shut and started fiddling with her steth. Her face was red.
"No..I..no. Its nothing like that Nidhi."
It was Nidhi's turn to make her friend look at her. "You are just as bad at lying to me Anji. I can see it. In fact, I have been seeing it for quite some time now. And I am really happy. For both of you. He is a great guy and will be lucky to have you in his life."
Anji sighed and looked away. "He always had been special to me, you know. But I never said anything." She shrugged. "I didn't see the point."
Nidhi winced at that. "I am sorry Anji. I didn't know. I am really sorry."
Anji shook her head and grinned. "Hey, no issues. It was not that bad anyway." And just like that her smile slips and falls.
"Why don't you tell him now? I think he feels something for you too Anji."
"No. Its too soon. He would think I am crazy or something. I will lose whatever I have with him now. I don't want that."
Nidhi took her friend by shoulders. "Anji, life is about taking chances. Tell him. Take a chance. He should know. He has a right to know. And no matter what his decision would be AFTER that, he would at least be making it with all the facts in his hand, right?"
Anji looked at the surroundings. They were sitting under the tree in the college campus and it had become their standard spot almost every evening after the classes unless they had the hospital duty. Her pensive gaze took in the far away KGH building. The staff, interns, doctors, everyone had been stunned when the dean left with barely a week's notice. Speculative looks and whispered comments had followed but died down when no other information was forthcoming. She looked back at her friend who has faced so much and changed so much in the last half year. Was it just half year? It sure felt like more.
"Then why didn't YOU Nidhi?"
Nidhi appeared startled. "What?"
"Why are you not following what you are preaching me right now? Why didn't you ever tell Dr Ashutosh that you are in love with him?"
Nidhi averted her eyes. "It's not the same Anji."
"Why? Because both of you slept together? How does that change anything? In fact I think that gives you all the more reason to express your feelings, right?"
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"Nidhi, abhi tak soyi nahi beta? Neend nahi aarahi hain kya?"
Nidhi looked up at her baba from her place on the portico steps where she had been sitting since after the dinner. It was close to midnight now and she had assumed everyone had gone to bed. But not her baba apparently. Or may be her restless thoughts had woken him up.
"Kuch nahi baba..buss..yu hi.."
CV sat beside Nidhi and both of them gazed at the star studded sky in companionable silence.
"You are thinking about him, aren't you?"
"Are you still angry about it baba?"
"I was more disappointed than angry Nidhi. But now? Thinking and berating the past is not going to change anything, right? And in the past few months, I have spoken to Ashutosh a few times. Nothing much..just to know how he is doing..casual calls. He is a nice man Nidhi. He is a man of honour. It takes something to own up to one's crime, so to speak. For all my anger and pain during that period, I could not help but respect him when he came and met me in person."
"He IS a nice man baba. A great doctor too. After his father passed away, he started a foundation which aids medical care to the poor. He is the primary contributor to that one."
CV looked at his daughter in the moonlight. "You love him, don't you?"
Nidhi put her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes before nodding. "Yes baba. I love him. I don't know how it happened or when it happened. Initially I didn't even think it was love. I mean I already had Rohan in my life and.."
"Nidhi, fate has a way of throwing unexpected curves our way and it's not always easy to balance ourselves and some times we end up falling. And its all the more difficult to balance when emotions surround you and you have no outlet. That's what happened to you, isn't it? When you attempted to end your life?"
She nodded.
"People need to talk. They need an outlet for their fears and hopes. Especially women." He seemed lost in his thoughts. "When I met your mother, it was love at first sight for both of us. My parents told me its time I got married and I told them I wanted to marry this girl. Everyone agreed and we got married. Phir ek saal baad tum paida hogayi. Ek din baaton baaton mein I told her she had stolen my heart the moment I saw her."
CV turned to look at his daughter with a wry smile on his face.
"You should have seen Nandini's face that day! She didn't even know that I felt so strongly about her. Thought I kind of saw her, liked her and suggested the match to my parents. She didn't know that for me, the world had come to a stand still when she collided me in that corridor and spilled her drink on my uniform. Nidhi, men are not like you women. Most of time, we let our actions speak and assume that the language would be understood."
Nidhi looked at her father hiding the battle of fear and hope that's waging in her heart.
"Baba, how do we know if what we haven't misunderstood those actions?"
"Listen to your heart Nidhi. You will always know."
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"Why the sudden trip Anji?"
Anji shrugged and looked at Rohan. "Nidhi's DB wanted it. That six month time is almost up and Yog uncle wanted to talk to the pandit for a muhurat. But before that DB wanted to take Nidhi to some temples. You know she had the scare of her life the last time.."
She bit her tongue and winced which made Rohan roll his eyes.
"Oh come on now Anji. I think you can stop pussy footing around every time that topic comes up. I am over it and I have told you enough number of times that I am over it."
"Are you? Really over it, I mean."
"Of course. Ok. So they have left this morning. When are they due back?"
"In Three days."
"Did uncle check the weather? It sucks at this time of the year..every year in that region."
Anji shook her head. "Worry wart. Ab chalo. Lets go to the second hand book shop you were telling me about. I need that book on neuro anatomy."
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After the darshan Nidhi sat on a high rock and watched the Shiva's idol and the water that's almost flooding and drowning more than half of it.
What do I do God? I love him. So very much. I am only half alive without him. Do I go ahead and say yes? Why did I say no? Did I even do the right thing in saying no? Or was I just trying to prove to myself that I am holier than thou? Did I say no because I wanted him to propose on MY terms? She shook her head. No. It was not that. I think he loves me. Everything in me tells me that he loves me as much as I love him, if not more. May be I wanted him to acknowledge and accept it. But is that so important? How does it change anything?
The face of the idol remained calm and peaceful despite the water flooding around in full force now. It imbibes her with a kind of strength and peace.
I will call him. That was what he wanted. Call me when you are ready. That's what he had said that day. I will call and tell him. I will tell him that I want to marry him. On his terms. God, please..I want him to be happy. Please don't make him regret this. That's all I ask for.
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Anji's fingers trembled as she dialled the number that she got from the admin department. Her heart was literally crashing on her ribs as the phone continued to ring..and ring..and ring..
"Pick up..please..pick up.."
And then his deep voice sounded from the other end.
"Yes?"
She stammered for a few moments. "Dr..Dr..Ash..Dr Ashutosh?"
"Yes? Who is this?"
"S..Sir, mein A..Anji."
Her tremble reached him and changed his tone.
"Anji..what happened? Everything ok?"
"Sir..Nidhi and her family had gone to Kedarnath."
"Ok.." Anji lost her speech and that actually seemed to snap his control completely making his shout at her. "ANJI! SPEAK UP!"
"Th..they were supposed to reach Lucknow t..two days ba..back. Par ab tak..no news from either her or anyone else. The whole region is flooded. All means of communication are out. I tried..I have been trying to call them but..and now all routes have been closed." She swallowed down her fear and wiped her face with the back of her sleeve. "Sir..I am scared."
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