There is a new song making the rounds these days, and it goes something like this...
We Didn't Choose The Title 😕
It was always Star Plus, 😕 😕
So please don't curse us.
We didn't Choose the Title 😕
We were shackled to it, 😕 😕
So we tried to woo it.
If you hear echoes of an old Billy Joel song (We Didn't Start The Fire) in the lines above, don't shake your heads at the obvious plagiarism. Word is - Billy bitwa himself modified his legendary song at the ess-pecial request of the hapless cast and crew of Ek Baar Phir (EBP), who now have this little ditty saved as their ring tones.
Every time an irate IPKKND fan calls them to abuse their future unborn offspring - it goes straight to music and voicemail.
EBP team - my sympathies. But there is something you gotta understand.
The vast IPK fandom is a tad...over-enthusiastic. Especially when the prescription medication (street name Ismailvegamze) wears off. Then the fandom goes on a rampage, and woe betide anything that gets caught in the crossfire. Unfortunately, SP tied you to the post like the proverbial sacrificial goatwa - and then practically invited the wolves to go hunting.
But enough of that.
Fast forward to today, when the new show debuts with Secret Service protection and special encryption - the likes of which are unheard of in desi TV history.
For instance, out of an abundance of caution - Star has announced is that the audience will be required to undergo a CAT scan before they are allowed to watch. The slightest knowledge of IPKKND (the original) in your brain - and you're automatically ejected from your couch in front of the TV by virtue of a thorn poking into your derriere.
But Take 5 has managed to secure special passes to the opening act - and is being posted today from the hidden location called Agnihotri Mansion. So phront phront seeing bhat bhat happening.
Drumroll please! 🥳 🥳 And please to welcome...
1. ...Mr. Shlok Agnihotri. I'm a surly, badass, Ferrari owning business tycoon who for once (all hail the nayi soch) doesn't have Daddy issues. But wait! I'm a misogynist! Don't ask why just yet - I was probably dropped on the head as a baby by my mother, who was (AHA!) a FEMALE.
Now that I'm all grown up and wise - women have the same value in my life as head lice. Or maybe leeches. You get the general idea.
Basically, women are bloodsucking parasites who have zero value in human evolution - at least, as soon as MAN figures out how to incubate babies in labs, and separate whites from colors while doing laundry.
And if you still want to know more about me, I have more money than God, Gates and Buffett - but can't spare a dime to go buy a razor, or get a decent haircut. 😕
I'm told my female fans dig this look - but I don't give a damn, because...(see underlined above). I also drive my Ferrari on traffic choked Indian roads, while praying that the bhaji wala doesn't scrape his thela against the expensive paintwork.
But enough about me. Let's check out the other half of this equation, who goes by the moniker of...
2. ...Ms. Aastha Kirloskar. Hey y'all!!! 🤗 🤗 Isn't it an absolutely gorgeous, lovely day today? 🤗 🤗
Group hug, anyone? 🤗 🤗
You wanna know more about me? 😳 isn't that just, like, totally PRECIOUS? 🤗 I'm chirpy and bubbly and perpetually overdosed on Prozac...at least as long as this show lasts. I also lie like a bandit, coz I'm the complete antithesis of surly, badass Agnihotris who live in refurbished mansions with all-male staff.
Why all-male staff? Because...you guessed it. (see underlined above)
Setting aside the chirpiness for just a heartbeat - I'd like to point out that unlike my male counterpart - I'm all for gender equality, and I DON'T hate men. In fact - I rely on them (as do all smart women) for vaahan-rakh-rakhaav and large insect disposal. 😈
Sliding back into character. Group hug, anyone? 🤗 🤗
3. Act 1- Men are from Mars, women are from...someplace else.
Cut to lead bitwa - doing his morning rituals of running up a hill, completing mandatory opening scene flashback (at least this one doesn't involve Maa...) and being rude to Mom when she does call. Flash over to lead bitiya - who seems to like precisely the kind of song that would make ME reach for a machete. 😡
A few quick lies to her Matron - and bitiya is all set for a supposed holy pilgrimage with her band of co-conspirators, while bitwa has just barbecued the future of a young girl who is caught cheating. Yeah yeah...we get the point already 🤓. (see underlined above)
4. Liar Liar, pants on fire
Bitiya steals passes for a concert that were meant for bitwa's guests. And he is pissed. So he grabs her by the wrist and manhandles her (Star Plus and random-PH-whose-name-I-can't recall - don't you EVER get tired of this? 😡)
Bitwa and bitiya proceed to establish their extreme dislike for each other by insulting the other's ancestors and future progeny, and set the stage for next meeting - all while swearing that they will never see each other's face again.
Um, yeah. Not gonna happen. The name itself suggests otherwise - bachchas. Ek Baar Phir.
5. And there you have it.
For everyone who is watching EBP without any knowledge of ongoing satyanash (what, have you been hiding under a rock? 😲) - bhelcomes to SP's latest offering in the my-lead-couple-is-better-than-your-lead-couple channel wars. These disputes have big stakes, and entire pension funds depend on the outcome of who gets more OMG-I'll-die-if-I-don't-meet-him/her fan mail.
So Star Plus and EBP - we'll set aside the farak padta hai, and wish you well, but this is a HUGE footprint that you've deliberately chosen to step into. 🤔
May your feet grow to match.
If they don't - I hope you at least have the wisdom to recognize that, and change the name appropriately. Coz in this cut-throat duniya of ratings - the original show's mega-success hangs around your neck like a millstone.
As SOMEONE wisely stated almost exactly a year ago - Devi Maiiya ke aashirwaad ke bina kuch nahin ho sakta. So some might not be a bad idea?
And finally - a word of advice, bilkul phree.
Confucius say - please to not poke sleeping tiger in eye. Especially not when tiger already enraged that IPKKND reruns are only being shown in phaaren (foreign) desh.
Samjhe, Star Plus? 😉
A couple of PS's:
1. If you know me - you already know I don't care whether you praise or bash. Be it show, actor or character - call it like you see it. However, since we're in the EBP forum and not IPKKND forum today - there be just ONE rule of etiquette.
Please to refrain from COMPARING Hercules and the Newborn (IPKKND and EBP). Keep your post related to EBP wonly.
For as another SOMEONE so memorably pointed out - "COZ YOU SIMPLY CAN'T. " 😉 😉 😉
