Adoption

Originally posted by: girlwhowaited

Hi guys, I am a new member. I have, however, been a regular visitor of DM since 2007 (yes, that long). I always wanted to participate in discussions but never had the gut to do so. So, today, after 6 long years, I've finally gathered the courage to start a topic. 

So, here is my question: What are your thoughts on adoption? Is it only considered an option when you can't have a kid of your own? Or do you see it as a charity? Is adoption always justified?  When is it not? 

I, for one,  have always supported the concept of adoption and have always wanted to adopt. There are so many children out there who have been deprived from a loving family and I would love to provide a child with love and care he/she deseves. 

I would love to read what your thoughts are on this topic.  

Originally posted by: charminggenie

Hey yeah, Girlwhowaited, Big hello to you as well😊. I am sure the brilliant members would be thrilled to meet you! And a secret between us😉, don't think anyone here bites😆, so do drop in whenever you feel like😳!

Now to your question- Adoption is a very beautiful event in everyone's life. It is something very personal and intimate. I am of the opinion, that we should not label it with adjectives , just so it should be encouraged as any other normal form of parenting. The only thing that should be considered is the interest of the child involved. He should be welcomed by a loving , secure and conducive environment. So , advise to anyone looking to adopt, just be sure and be at a right mental state before taking this decision. A child is as much a responsibility as a blessing. And it goes for both natural or adoption. But considering the social outlook towards it , then we should be doubly assured of this decision and be sensitive to its influence on the kid. Don't look at it as some charity case or just a way to make the world a better place. Treat it like a Parent and a child relationship. Just that. Because there are other ways of spreading joy and happiness. 

It doesn't need justification or accusations. I personally get offended only when people treat it as an accessory or a social cause. That is unfair to the kid and parenting.

Very noble thought, just be sure that you are ready for this big step of being a parent and all else would be well😳. 

My thoughts and feelings really echo Genie here.

I think adoption is a beautiful decision. People shouldn't consider adoption simply because they can't have children. You can adopt instead of having kids of your own or adopt instead of kids on your own (e.g Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie) Even single men and women can adopt if they feel they desire parenthood. (e.g Sushmita Sen). I think each and every person should at least try thinking about adoption at some point. You don't have to do it. Adoption may not be the right choice for everybody. But there are so many orphaned and abandoned children in the world. They all deserve someone who loves them and cares for them. The least we can do is think about it and see if we are ready for something like that. But it definitely shouldn't be charity or treated as a social cause. It should be personal, fulfilling, and enriching - it should feel like having your own child, a part of you.  

Personally, I have always found giving up a child to be the worst thing ever. I firmly believe that if you cannot love a child and raise a child then you should not have a child. For me nothing is the sense of abandonment. No matter how much your adopted parents love you. No matter how much your birth parents love you. No matter how much it is for the best. You have the live your life knowing that someone didn't want you. If they actually wanted you, they would have changed the world around for you. It is just a personal emotion - but I know many will disagree. I know many parents are victims of circumstances and have no choice but to give up a child. Despite my personal emotions, I still empathize with that hopelessness that forces such decisions. But parents who are capable of raising a child, but still give them up - that I find is unforgivable.

Abused children and teenagers are a tricky situation. These children tend to be psychologically and sociologically damaged. Many are incapable of trusting, socializing and loving in a normal manner. Some even have reacted with violence, substance abuse, depression and other reactions. In the worst case scenario they have lost their moral compass becoming abusive themselves. All these situations need a lot of healing and undoing of damage before they can move on to be happy well adjusted kids who feel loved. This requires a whole lot of patience and sometimes specialized skill sets and psychological understanding to know the right way to react when things go wrong. Not many people have that patience and understanding. Not many people are capable of reacting correctly or knowing what to do. That is why people avoid adopting them. Even most adoption systems will place them only in specialized foster homes or juvenile facilities. While I wholeheartedly believe every child/teenager deserves a loving home and family - it is very very tricky with abused kids.

Originally posted by: girlwhowaited

A friend of mine recently told me that her parents had  given her older sister for adoption when she was  three years old. the sister was adopted by a foreigner. My friend said  that the reason her sister was given for adoption is because her parents thought that the girl will have a better future in Europe than in her hometown, not that the family was  poor but they couldn't have given the kid the facilities that she would get here. 

I won't comment on it because it is difficult to gather the reason behind this decision. It is never easier for any parent to give their baby and for me poverty just doesn't seem like a reason enough. If you are educated, aware or even perceptive of your economic conditions then be sure of when to head the family way. Hence, I feel there might be much deeper reason for your friend's family to go for this then they have told to your friend. Otherwise, just on face-value it doesn't make sense. 

This kind of made me feel...i can't word how I feel. I am not sure if I understand and agree with parents just giving their child away and  someone adopting a baby who was already in a loving, albeit a little poor, family. I also find it frustrating that people (atleast people from my neighbourhood) mostly  consider  babies from poor families  for adoption. They go to differents corners of the world to find such kids  while abused/abandoned teenagers are usually left abandoned and hardly ever get adopted .  This probably makes me a hypocrite because I know adopting to save a child from abuse is also not the right reason to adopt...

Let's look at it with two different ways shall well-

Parents who give the baby for adoption - As I mentioned earlier , parenting is a responsibility. And it has to be understood. it is not just about the "I" but about another being. We unfairly tend to decide the future of a baby who has nothing to do with our reasons. My first take on this is to be more responsible , use protection and be aware of your current state. Yet unless the reason is compelling enough , I personally find it difficult to sympathize. Though situations and decisions are very subjective.

Parents who adopt - Nothing should influence this step but the emotional bond with the child. The support, helping the poor , social service etc don't work , they just kill the essence of adopting.  Do travel the world for poor, but work for their betterment , give the community back, don't snatch a child and be unfair to million others. let adoption be a natural, instinctive and responsive step.

I would disagree with your third point or I feel you couldn't articulate it well. There is nothing wrong with adopting kids who  were abused/abandoned, they were the wronged but they are not wrong or flawed. Bear a parent to them , if you connect to their heart and their smile and can ensure that it stays that way. Apart from a bit more sensitivity , there should be no difference in the behavior towards them. Don't see their story , seek their heart. Thats it, nothing else matters.

Adoption should be cause free!

Originally posted by: return_to_hades

Personally, I have always found giving up a child to be the worst thing ever. I firmly believe that if you cannot love a child and raise a child then you should not have a child. For me nothing is the sense of abandonment. No matter how much your adopted parents love you. No matter how much your birth parents love you. No matter how much it is for the best. You have the live your life knowing that someone didn't want you. If they actually wanted you, they would have changed the world around for you. It is just a personal emotion - but I know many will disagree. I know many parents are victims of circumstances and have no choice but to give up a child. Despite my personal emotions, I still empathize with that hopelessness that forces such decisions. But parents who are capable of raising a child, but still give them up - that I find is unforgivable.

 

Abused children and teenagers are a tricky situation. These children tend to be psychologically and sociologically damaged. Many are incapable of trusting, socializing and loving in a normal manner. Some even have reacted with violence, substance abuse, depression and other reactions. In the worst case scenario they have lost their moral compass becoming abusive themselves. All these situations need a lot of healing and undoing of damage before they can move on to be happy well adjusted kids who feel loved. This requires a whole lot of patience and sometimes specialized skill sets and psychological understanding to know the right way to react when things go wrong. Not many people have that patience and understanding. Not many people are capable of reacting correctly or knowing what to do. That is why people avoid adopting them. Even most adoption systems will place them only in specialized foster homes or juvenile facilities. While I wholeheartedly believe every child/teenager deserves a loving home and family - it is very very tricky with abused kids.

Originally posted by: charminggenie