Posted: 10 years ago
Originally posted by girlwhowaited



I couldn't have said that better. Knowing that your own family could've looked after you but yet  they chose  (albeit half-heartedly) to give you away to a stranger -someone they themselves didn't know well enough- simply because the stranger happened to have bigger fortune must make that child  feel rejected.

I have to disagree with that notion, that such children grow up feeling rejected or have a sense of abandonment. This is one possible scenario, but I think comes down to how the adoptive parents handle letting the child know of the adoption and the kind of life the kid had...not all adopted kids go on to have ideal, picturesque lives. 

I know of someone who was given up by her parents due to certain situations, even though they could have raised her, and she tells me what she hates more than anything is people feeling pity or sadness for her, and assuming she feels some sense of emptiness or rejection when she doesn't harbor any of these feelings. Most of her peace comes from understanding the circumstances that played a role in the decision in the first place. 

That's not to say that adopted kids don't feel these confused emotions or doubt their worth, but I think we assume these emotions play a larger role than they actually do. 
Posted: 10 years ago
Originally posted by girlwhowaited




I'm sorry for not being clear. I didn't mean that they shouldn't be adopted. On the contrary really. I think after all they've been through they deserve a loving home. I think we've established  that adoption shouldn't be a social cause, it is not like you see a poor child and you give him food, cloth and a roon in your house or you see a bruised child and you take her in because you pity the child. It is about the child and your bond with the child. However,  when one does adopt, the adopted child is most likely to either come  from a poor  or an abusive background or is an orphan.  You can't really go to a happy, stable family and take their child away just because you bond with him now can you? So that is why I feel like a hypocrite when I disagree with people adopting for a social cause.

Do I make any sense??



I don't think anyone who intends to adopt will ever snatch a kid from a happy family.Defeats the purpose. There are many instances where a family gave their child to their relative when the other is not able to have their own. Noone is obligatory to have a reason for adoption or to go for kids with specific backgrounds.

See, when you remove the reasons from adoption and see it just as a way of parenting or a way of life, then you won't feel like a hypocrite , perhaps?

@Hades

I agree the issues related to abused kids play a big role on their Psychic but then the onus should be on the parents adopting them. The sensitivity should come  from as a parent not  a reformer. The objective should be to provide a family to the kid , not a rehab. And yes the legalities and govt reforms in their case is a must. But my query is more about the intent of a person who sets to adopt an abused kid. 

And for feeling of abandonment , spot on, some kids find it difficult to adjust to their new families because of it. I think in that case the priority should be for the parent to ensure the kid understands his biological roots, yet doesn't feel neglected or special in any way. And like Ninja, said , we tend to generalize this loss which can be wrong on so many accounts. The emotion is so very subjective and varies from child to child. The only thing we can control is to ensure the environment surrounding the kid is happy, normal and healthy.


 

Posted: 10 years ago

@McNinja - When I say "You have the live your life knowing that someone didn't want you", I don't mean it as something that always deserves pity. It simply a fact children who were given up have to process. Personally, if I place myself in those shoes - I feel abandonment. However, different people process it differently. Some people process it with rage and resentment, some people embrace and understand, some people shut it out. There's a variety of ways people process it. But it is a fact that they live with for their life - and it is very different from the feeling of being orphaned and is probably a feeling many fortunate people will never truly get.

 

@Genie - Ideally every kid deserves family not rehab. However, there are certain circumstances in the case of abuse where rehab is the greater good. No matter how compassionate, genuine and loving parents are - if they don't have the psychiatric expertise to deal with abuse victims they can do more damage than good. Even the medical staff and legal professionals who work with abuse victims are specially trained. Rehab isn't always bad. There are many families where the parents are trained social workers. They will foster abused children, take them to their treatments until they are ready to be placed with a family. I'd say don't ever rule out abused children or avoid adopting them, but at the same time be aware of what you are getting into.

 

And always if a child adopted or your own starts acting up, becomes delinquent and has serious behavioral issues - get professional help. There is no shame in getting help for yourself or your kids so that you can be a happy family.

Posted: 10 years ago
What are your thoughts on adoption?

I believe that it's tricky, adoption. Parents have to be extremely cautious about by whom and under what circumstances their children come to know about their parents not being biological parents. Furthermore, parents with foster kids have to be twice as responsible as to making sure that they never let the fact that they aren't 'really' their kids resurface if they make a mistake or if there's any rift between them and their other children, if any. Adoption is a very courageous act, to sum it up. Because you've to put in twice the intensity, care and carefulness.


Is it only considered an option when you can't have a kid of your own?

Mostly, yes. But it's noticed that well off people tend to adopt children and fund for their food, shelter and education. They are their legal guardians, not parents. That way, it's an act of charity. Otherwise, people who already have kids seldom take in other children unless they are closely related or have suffered loss of child etc.


Or do you see it as a charity? Is adoption always justified?  When is it not?

Like I said, it's charity when you do it out of the goodness of your heart and to be a responsible citizen, who feels for homeless orphans. It is obviously not charity when you take emotional responsibility of the child as well and bring them up.

Adoption is justified only as long as the child is never made to feel to feel they are 'adopted', that creates a sense of lack of true identity. It kills. Otherwise, I see no wrong.


Posted: 10 years ago
Adopting an orphan is indeed noble. Adopting children from parents who sell their children for various reasons, is not accpetable. Families in poverty should be supported to raise them from their situation. Buying their children should not be an option.
Posted: 10 years ago
Adoption is a beautiful relationship between you and your child. Adoption for me is getting life and love that innocent child bestows on you. While adopting you gain much more than you give.
How am I saying this? I am saying it by personal experience where I have adopted by choice and also chose to remain single by choice currently. That is be a single mother. The love my daughter has given me is so immense that she has transformed all our lives. The other day my dad fell down and my daughter who is only 1 year old was so affected by it. The love she gave him, the attention she gave him, and the way she started crying for him was so moving and touching.

I agree with one of the people here that you should go in for adoption only if you are mentally prepared for it. Mentally prepared that child is yours and your life will be completely transformed as it would if it were for a biological child. First thing we should also prepare ourselves that child needs constant attention, love and security from us. She would also invade in your personal space. Are you prepared for it.

Also the day you consider it as a social cause, noble cause or take it up on ideological plane, the bonding will not come to you so easily as somewhere in your sub-conscious mind you will be thinking about it. 

If you ask me adoption takes more patience, more time, more attention of yours, as you have to go extra mile and make extra efforts to ensure that the child gets all the security of a family. To shield and prepare her from all types of taunts from society. As unfortunately still there are sections of society who may not accept them wholeheartedly. 
Posted: 10 years ago
Can we have some counter arguments please instead of just agreeing with each other?

I don't think adoption is actually that good an idea as it is made out to be. There are drawbacks to adoption which we try to overlook because of the thought that it's a 'noble thing', 'beautiful relation' etc. Maybe it is noble and beautiful, but at the same time the drawbacks shouldn't be overlooked.
Adoption end of the day is a lottery. Some kids will win for whom we can croon all we want about how lucky he/ she is to get a loving family, but sadly most kids will lose. A person adopting an orphan child can't adopt all the orphan children, neither will all orphan children get adopted. As much as we want it to be otherwise, as much as we want every family who can afford it to adopt a child, it's not going to happen.

So, what is the next best alternative? Is adopting one child out of a hundred orphans, showering him/ her with all the love while others continue to live their life of neglect, the way to go? Afterall, on what basis did the lucky child get chosen? This is not some scholarship that we award to the most meritorious. The child got chosen randomly and by sheer luck.

This is a question of someone's life, millions of lives to be precise. And if we believe that all life are equal, then the very concept of choosing someone to be loved while others continue to be deprived goes against the very essence of all life being equal.

Introverted children are usually not adopted. Not so good looking kids are usually not adopted. Those who are slightly grown up are usually not adopted. Don't they deserve a better life like we are trying to give the chosen few orphans? Is it their fault that they are introverted or not so good looking or grown up? 

Do we really think that a kid who failed to capture our heart with it's cuteness doesn't deserve a better life? Do we really think that a slightly grown up child doesn't need help and can make it on his/ her own just because they are now 8 or 9 years old? Unless they get the education they deserve, how can they make it? And meaningful education doesn't stop at 8 or 9 yrs. It goes on till 21-22 yrs atleast. But we easily overlook them, we decide that they don't need our help, the cute looking 6 months old baby who is smiling at me and making cute noises needs my help, so lets give him a better life and bask in the glory that I've given someone a chance at a better life with everyone else patting my back. But maybe at the same time we should also reflect on those introverted children, not so good looking children, the slightly grown up children who lost out on having a better life.

If the purpose is to give a better life to orphans, how is the purpose served and how does the situation change at all, if a lucky few hogs the lion's share while the vast majority is left to fend for themselves from whatever leftover that can be salvaged. Unless all or atleast most of them are pulled up to a certain standard, we can't say we've made any difference.

Instead, wouldn't it be much better to donate what we can, money, time, any item that can be used, so that they can be shared equally by all the kids? A dozen children may get deprived from getting a king's life, but atleast a thousand children will be saved from leading a life of complete deprivation.
Edited by souro - 10 years ago
Posted: 10 years ago
I guess most of us agreed with each other because we removed the " noble" aspect from Adopting. We treated it purely on reproducing and maternity instincts. So , I would try to take this discussion away from that aspect.
The probability of that one child  selected against hundred others is as comparable to the fusion of one particular sperm among million others. The key is the connection.  As I said once we stop thinking about the noble aspect of it , this doesn't matter than. The want and desire is to have a baby nothing else.

As I said the intention should never be to  use adoption so to make this world a beautiful place. Unless there are  specific issues involved, try to help or aid in a more community manner. 







Posted: 10 years ago

@Souro - Those are some good points about adoption. It is indeed a lottery. Sometimes it is hard to steer away from the noble' aspect and focus on other practical pros and cons.

 

I think Genie explained it well. To concur and add to what she said. Some people will always feel a need' in their life for children. In this situation adoption is a viable option in lieu of traditional adoption. It shouldn't be seen as a purely noble deed or great favor. The parent(s) needs a child and the child needs parent(s) - a two way street. The unfortunate part is that one kid gets arbitrarily picked out on cuteness or similar random factor, while many more remain forever rejected. Despite that giving one a good life is better than none at all.

 

Donating to orphanages or volunteering time are fairer options that give equally to a larger number of kids. This option doesn't help fill the void' of children people fill. On the positive side though many adoptive parents tend to maintain a lifelong relationship with the organization/orphanage they adopted from donating as well as advocating.

 

This also made me think of an issue brought up earlier - parents who give up kids so they can have a better life. Keeping aside my argument of rejection, giving up children is also unfair. Why should this' child which has parent(s) add to the count of orphaned/needy children or in the worst case be bumped ahead of so many other children who have been waiting in line to be adopted?

 

On a grander scale - making the world a better place is very difficult notion. There are so many needs with limited resources. I think we have to pick which narrow issue is most important to us and contribute accordingly.

Posted: 10 years ago
I see nothing wrong with adoption. I think that if you feel comfortable adopting, you really should.

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