Duty towards parents: Yes or No?

Posted: 9 years ago
From the comments on another topic ( teen pregnancy)  it came through  that there is an expectation for parents to bail out their children when they get into trouble. Teens are to be looked after even though they invite trouble going against their parent's advice. The same parents whom they defied are obliged to spend their time, money and efforts to look after a tenaged mother and also her baby. In case the boy gets involved in a court case due to his "experimentation" the parents are similarly inconvenienced. It is observed that most parents generally take on the reponsibility thrust of them by their wayward teenaged children.
 
Now let us see what happens the other way round. When parents grow older or fall sick and need their children's support, time and care do the children feel obliged to return the favour? My observation is that most of them do not on the excuse of their career, tudies or family priorities. The old parents are left to fend for themselves.
 
Is it fair to expect parents to care for their teenaged children even though they go against their advice?
Do children owe it to their parents to take care of them in their time of need?
If yes, are only sons to be expected to care for them or should daughters too pitch in?
If the daughters want to pitch in would social norms get in the way? How fair is that?
 
What can be done about it?
 
I know we had topics on similar lines but since it reached nowhere I thought I would post it again.
 
 
Posted: 9 years ago
Yes.
Parents must be taken care of by the children. Of course career, ambitions are a priority, but when our parents need us the most we must be by their side.
And many women take care of their parents. My grandmother is looked after by my mother, although I have a maternal uncle. Moreover how would social norms stop the daughter from helping her parents? If she is dependent on her husband financially, it may happen. But if she claims the property as inheritance, she should also look after the parents.

About teenagers committing mistakes, yes, they require parental support and not a strict attitude. I'm not saying that parents should never scold their children, but in spite of all the disciplining if he/she commits a mistake, should the parents shun him/her? 
No.
That's not correct. If the teenaged daughter becomes pregnant, the mother should take her to the abortion clinic and help her get over the trauma, rather than shaming her more.
Parents too commit mistakes, they are not infallible. And one mistake would be adopting the attitude of ostracising the child because he/she didn't listen.


Edited by -bLEu98- - 9 years ago
Posted: 9 years ago
Originally posted by -bLEu98-


Yes.
. Moreover how would social norms stop the daughter from helping her parents? If she is dependent on her husband financially, it may happen. But if she claims the property as inheritance, she should also look after the parents.


Many girls have to face a lot of restrictions in communicating or visiting their parents irrespective of her earning capacity so she would find it very difficult to go and care for her parent/ parents should they ever require it.
Some sons may also  feel restricted when their spouse opposes getting the MIL or FIL over at their place as this would interfere in their lifestyle.
 
 
Edited by zorrro - 9 years ago
Posted: 9 years ago
Originally posted by zorrro


Many girls have to face a lot of restrictions in communicating or visiting their parents irrespective of her earning capacity so she would find it very difficult to go and care for her parent/ parents should they ever require it.
Some sons may also  feel restricted when their spouse opposes getting the MIL or FIL over at their place as this would interfere in their lifestyle.
 
 
Yes, unfortunately that happens. The daughter/ son should both be more assertive and sort out their priorities. And looking after your parents can be done while even living in different houses. I agree it's more complicated, and involves higher costs in case of a maid/nurse but it can be done. Many times parents too refuse to move to their daughter's/son's house. They feel more dignified in their own house. Then their children can pay them occasional visits, take turns and stay with them , appoint a caregiver, if moving to the parent's house is not an option.
Posted: 9 years ago
Children owe their parents everything really. We don't have to listen to them all the time and I think that's alright. But we know they are exclusively all we've got backing us. When they are old and grey they look for company and expect us to give them some time and take care of them and they have earned that. Some kids have hard childhoods and their parents aren't who you'd consider ideal parents. But even so, I am sure our parents do the best they can for us. And we should do the best we can.

I got cool parents. My mother wants to live alone in some hilly area when she's old. My father wants to live near the beach. I buy them separate houses and I visit them frequently and solve their house-maid-and-neighbor-troubles and take them to the doctor timely. That's the plan. 😆
Posted: 9 years ago

"Duty towards parents: Yes or No?"

Cruel as it sounds, we have a bigger responsibility for the future than the past. So, if a sacrifice has to be made between the kids and the parents, in terms of "money/time/efforts", in terms of what is best, the parents will take the hit.

Posted: 9 years ago
I think parents made a choice to create life and bring someone into this world. So now they have a responsibility to ensure that they raise the child to be a productive member of society. I think if teenagers are mucking up, it is the parents responsibility to correct them. Society should not have to pay the burden of delinquent teens or support teen parents.

I firmly believe that children are human beings and a great responsibility, not an investment fund. People should not have children with the assumption of having someone pay them back in the future.

I think people should invest in their own futures and not depend on others to be taken care off. That being said people should look after those in need, especially if they have a debt of gratitude. That is the right thing to do. However, people have a greater responsibility towards their spouses and children as they chose to take those responsibilities.

I don't think anyone owes anyone anything unless they willingly made a commitment.
Posted: 9 years ago
@Nice topic , Zorrro.

I feel love is a very selfish thing. Intentionally or unintentionally we do develop expectations from our relationships and associations. Same goes for parenting. 

So to say a parent shouldn't expect or treat the child as an investment is not possible. Yes it is unfair to force the expectations or suffocate the kids with an overdose of their impressions and influence. And its not just parents who have expectations but the children also have their own set of demands for their parents. The problem comes when we take these expectations for granted and build our hopes and future on them without having a back-up or "what if" cover. 

True primarily till the legal age, it is the duty of the parents to provide a holistic upbringing to children. Considering, home is the first place which influences and shapes the initial behavior , it is essential that Parents are pro-active and have a constant evolving communication with teens, in particular. 
So to a certain degree the blame or responsibility for the errs of teens, even judicial in nature, do go to the Parents. This care shouldn't be looked as some investment. It is a duty and a responsibility which the parents signed for when they decided to bring a life together. The problem is with the kind of social set-up especially in Asia, it is all but natural for parents to expect the same love , care and constant support from their children at the later part of their lives. What they  fail to see is that some kids/teens might not share the same sentiments, this is because they see these expectations as more voluntary in nature , unlike Parents who have more of compulsory duty towards the teens in the growing years. 

Do children owe it to their parents to take care of them in their time of need?
Respect, love and understanding is what children truly owe to their parents  - on these there shouldn't be any compromise. Care is a very subjective word which both parents and kids need to arrive at a common point. 
If yes, are only sons to be expected to care for them or should daughters too pitch in?
Umm care for parents should not even be measured on the gender scale. Girls and boys should have an equal sense of every emotion that they share with their parents including love and care. Including the Parental responsibility.

If the daughters want to pitch in would social norms get in the way? How fair is that?
Unfortunately, society do influence parenting and sets norms for some of the "care". But if a Girl feels equally responsible and considers it her duty to be with her family and care for them in whatever way she deems fit, then I doubt society can have much say. We are constantly evolving and it just might set a good healthy precedent for future. 

Personally,I don't see caring for family as a duty or something that I owe . Nope, rather I seem them as part of me , so I might just become even more overtly overbearing with all the love, care and the shenanigans. 

Posted: 9 years ago
Originally posted by K.Universe.


"Duty towards parents: Yes or No?"

Cruel as it sounds, we have a bigger responsibility for the future than the past. So, if a sacrifice has to be made between the kids and the parents, in terms of "money/time/efforts", in terms of what is best, the parents will take the hit.

Whose future? The parent's or the children's?

What about the parents' responsibility to their own present circumstances? Should they be obliged to sacrifice their own present comfort/pleasure/ ambitions/ career for a teen who wanted to experiment against their advice? Shouldnt the experimenters be responsible for the outcome of their own experiments ?
Posted: 9 years ago
Originally posted by charminggenie


@Nice topic , Zorrro.
Thanks CG 😊
I feel love is a very selfish thing. Intentionally or unintentionally we do develop expectations from our relationships and associations. Same goes for parenting. 

Expectations are the norm then. Children expect a lot from their parents and take it for granted. Spouses expect a lot too. Parents cannot be the exception.


So to say a parent shouldn't expect or treat the child as an investment is not possible. Yes it is unfair to force the expectations or suffocate the kids with an overdose of their impressions and influence. And its not just parents who have expectations but the children also have their own set of demands for their parents. The problem comes when we take these expectations for granted and build our hopes and future on them without having a back-up or "what if" cover. 
 
You mean always have a back up plan up your sleeve 😛 Agreed.

True primarily till the legal age, it is the duty of the parents to provide a holistic upbringing to children. Considering, home is the first place which influences and shapes the initial behavior , it is essential that Parents are pro-active and have a constant evolving communication with teens, in particular. 
So to a certain degree the blame or responsibility for the errs of teens, even judicial in nature, do go to the Parents. This care shouldn't be looked as some investment. It is a duty and a responsibility which the parents signed for when they decided to bring a life together.
 
 The problem is with the kind of social set-up especially in Asia, it is all but natural for parents to expect the same love , care and constant support from their children at the later part of their lives. What they  fail to see is that some kids/teens might not share the same sentiments, this is because they see these expectations as more voluntary in nature , unlike Parents who have more of compulsory duty towards the teens in the growing years. 
Parents in Asia take care of their kids for a much longer time than the Europeans where they children are pressured to bnecome independent much earlier and fend for themselves. The emotional investment and involvement  is lesser.

Do children owe it to their parents to take care of them in their time of need?
Respect, love and understanding is what children truly owe to their parents  - on these there shouldn't be any compromise. Care is a very subjective word which both parents and kids need to arrive at a common point. 
 
We cant have something on the lines of pre nups can we 😆
If yes, are only sons to be expected to care for them or should daughters too pitch in?
Umm care for parents should not even be measured on the gender scale. Girls and boys should have an equal sense of every emotion that they share with their parents including love and care. Including the Parental responsibility.
 
Priority of her inlaws in her life can make things difficult for a daughter at times.

If the daughters want to pitch in would social norms get in the way? How fair is that?
Unfortunately, society do influence parenting and sets norms for some of the "care". But if a Girl feels equally responsible and considers it her duty to be with her family and care for them in whatever way she deems fit, then I doubt society can have much say. We are constantly evolving and it just might set a good healthy precedent for future. 
Society always has a say in everything that anyone does. I think people need to draw a line to how much they would succumb to social pressure.

Personally,I don't see caring for family as a duty or something that I owe . Nope, rather I seem them as part of me , so I might just become even more overtly overbearing with all the love, care and the shenanigans. 
Many children especially in India are naturally loving towards their parents. Trouble somehow starts after getting married.

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