New OneShot: Flaws

I did the next best thing to quench my curiosity - I had dialed Shekhawat Uncle's phone again in order to know that real reason behind his attitude. The reason was quite obvious, if only I had thought harder about it. I found out that Swayam had changed completely after his mother's death few months from the time of our last encounter. He had completely been withdrawn from everyone. At first, everyone had thought that it was merely due to grief and he will eventually get over it. However, soon, after a full year of acting same way, it became quite obvious that it wasn't momentary sadness. He was depressed. His father had wanted me to talk to him and cheer him up. He had hoped that I can help him out of this depression for a bit since I was a psychiatrist myself. Of course, Swayam couldn't know about it because he had refused to go to one whenever his father brought it up to him. This became the particular reason why I started seeing Swayam on a regular basis, without informing him that I was there as his therapist.

My first few meetings with him seemed co-incidental to him, where I just talked casually with him in order to talk to him and build his trust. After several meetings, I asked him to accompany me for coffee. This apparently was good idea because he had become more open in his thoughts outside.

I had seen a smile of genuine amusement on his face, while we debated about Harry Potter actually initially liking Hermoine even though that was never mentioned in the books, after such a long time. I had looked at him daringly and said to him that there was no way that Harry hadn't felt an attraction towards her. He merely shook his head and gave me that amused smile. For some reason, I had felt genuine happiness at that moment - a heightened sense of joy that I hadn't felt with any of my other patients before. That's the precise reason I had chosen to comment on it.

"Ah, there it is! That dazzling smile of yours."

Of course, Swayam didn't seem too keen on keeping that sense of amusement because that smiled disappeared as soon as it came. It was replaced by a sad and rueful expression on his face.

"I miss her, you know."

I was truly speechless at that moment as I haven't been expecting him to say that. After he had been so shielded, I hadn't expected him to open up even a bit just yet. So, I only looked at him with as much warmth as I could express and squeezed his hands.

"Yeah, I know what you mean.."

"Do you?" he had questioned me, with those searching eyes as if he was wondering where that statement came from. It was as if he was wondering if that statement wasn't just a mere expression to lighten the tension.

"I do. I lost my mother too. I felt like my whole world just crashed on me."

I was just about to go down the memory lane, when I felt a warm hand on top of mine. He had looked at me with genuine concern and only squeezed my hand in return. We sat there looking at each other for a bit. After several long minutes, we slowly pulled back and fell into lighter conversations again.

It was all so surreal. It was hard to get through to Swayam. Whenever we would be home, he would never talk about his mother. He opened up a lot more when he was outside. So, I started taking him out and talking to him. It was just one of those strolls in the park. He hadn't been the one to bring up his mother this time. It was me.

"Is there a reason why you don't talk about your mother when you're at home?"

He seemed pretty startled at my questions and didn't seem to have an answer for me for some time. After long pause, he cleared his throat and looked ahead, onto the greenery of the park.

"It feels too real to talk about her when I am at home. I feel her presence all around me. I feel like if I talk about anything sad, then she would become sad too. That's why I try so hard to not talk about anything serious. But.." he trailed off.

"But it's suffocating you, isn't it? You pretend to not be sad when you are sad. That's why you can't smile either. You're bottling everything up."

At first, I thought that I had pretty much crossed any boundary of friendship that we had at that instant. I was waiting for his response. I only heard him sigh.

"What about you Sharon? How did you deal with it?"

Of course I wasn't surprised at the question but I still didn't have an exact answer to that - the ideal answer that people look for to get through the grief.

"I didn't. I kept it inside for quite some time so the people close to my mother can come out of their grief. Then, after they showed indications of handling themselves, that's when I had my breakdown."

When I said this, Swayam completely turned to face me.

"What if the person you're living with never got out of his grief? What if his grief always reminds you of what you have lost every single day and the thought of losing it all over again in those moments is just too unbearable?"

I looked into his eyes. They were seeking answers that I wasn't sure he wanted to listen to but I still tried anyways.

"Swayam no one ever gets over their grief of losing someone. It's just not possible. If someone is truly important to you, then that person would not lose his/her importance just because they are not in this world or beside you. If anything, you will think that they are even more precious to you. So you can't really ever get over someone's loss. What you can do is learn to live with it. Instead of looking at all the sad memories and regrets, learn to live with the happy ones. Because your mother would never want to see you this sad and lost. Where is the Swayam that I had met when I mentored at the Dance academy?"

Swayam only listened to me and smiled sadly. After a little pause, he merely titled his head.

"You have answers to everything, don't you?"

Of course, I chuckled at this because of how untrue that was.

"You want to know the reason why I actually joined the academy as a substitute?"

"Because your friend probably begged you? Or she warned you that if you didn't then she would hex you with an imperius curse so you would do anything she asked?" he added a little sarcastically.

"As nice as those predictions are, it's neither." Swayam made a mock-pout as he soon cracked into one of those smiles.

"The reason I joined was because I needed some sort of outlet. Of course, at that time, I was already in terms with my mother's death but I was facing another kind of grief. I had just broken off a relationship of three years. I know that it doesn't sound like much but it meant the world to me. I was at the wedding altar when I had to let my soon-to-be-husband go. At that time, I couldn't let myself be sad because everyone was constantly watching me. I became so angry and agitated that I couldn't live with myself. So I took the offer from my friend and I met you guys. And you know what? It was great! I won't say that I was a new person when I got out but it definitely made me see a more positive side that I had ignored before. So why am I telling you this? It's simple really. I don't want you to make the same mistake I did and become angry. It's not worth it because you will only hurt yourself and the people close to you that way. The best way to deal with grief is not to pretend that it doesn't exist but to let it out. Let it all out."

Half an hour. We sat there in silence for half an hour. I took a leap of faith when I told him this story, without thinking of the consequences while hoping that it won't drastically change our relationship for the worst. After this long a pause, he started laughing lightly. It wasn't to mock me or to shield his emotions. It was a genuine laughter.

He fell silent soon after.

"The reason why it's so hard to let her go is because I am just so afraid. I always want her by my side. We had plans you know? I told her that I would show her the world on my bike and she promised that she would let me marry my girl on a rollercoaster. She loved amusement parks you know? She was so lively, so amazing."

At that point, my brain was on autopilot.

"And she would always remain important. You're trying so hard to hold onto her that you're losing sight of what you still have in front of you. Swayam, it's alright to let go. She will understand."

"And how do you know that?" For the first time from the time I met him, he sounded harsh. Even though his voice betrayed hostility, I could still hear the crack in his voice.

"It's because she loved you. If you cared for someone, would you want them to hold onto you this tightly if it was hurting them in the process? There's no need to hold on so tightly to her. She will always be with you, in your memories. If you're so afraid of losing those memories then write them down somewhere. But don't make it an excuse for not moving on," I tried to finish off as softly as possible.

At that moment, Swayam looked at me with the most vulnerable expression that had told me the whole story - something that he still wasn't ready to admit out loud.

"It's alright to be scared you know. I was too. Everyone is. Change is scary. But that doesn't always mean that it's bad. It's ok to grief now."

I hadn't realized the depth of my statement, until I felt myself be pulled into a hug. It wasn't bone-crushing. It was light but firm. It was needy, yet strangely controlled. When the hug lasted more than five minutes, I was getting worried. However, I felt his body shake slightly and I realized that he had finally decided to take the high road to healing.

After couple of hours of crying and talking about his mother simultaneously, he felt tired. He had decided that it was enough for the day so we decided to head back to his house where I had left my car. While we were walking, we fell into lighter conversation that made it feel like we had never even discussed his mother.

"By the way, you never told me why you broke off the relationship when you loved him so much?"

Of course I hadn't seen that coming even though I should have. I wasn't really that comfortable in letting everyone know about my past life - especially someone I had barely started getting to know few months ago. However, I had to do that to maintain our friendship. After all, that's how it works and that's how people start feeling close to the person in order to trust them. So, I told him the reason.

"He fell in love with someone else. It was two months before our wedding. She was the wedding planner and she really liked his input. In fact, their choice matched in everything. I actually saw it before but I chose to ignore it. I thought it was just my imagination and pre-wedding jitters. They soon became close and he started to tell me that I was very demanding, even though he never did go out of his way for a break-up. He was with me, but never with me you know? He was only there because we had a history. His eyes, though, were always on her. I just couldn't do that to him, to her or to me. So I took the initiative and ended the wedding."

After saying all of that, I took a deep breath. It was all in the open now for him to judge me and my past. He didn't say anything for a while as we walked towards his house. After a little moment, he spoke up.

"You're not demanding you know. Perfectionist, yes. Meticulous, yes. But you're not demanding. You see people's potential and you try so hard to make them realize it but that doesn't make you demanding."

I was actually quite surprise at his response. Though anyone would say something to feel one better at this point, but his words sounded so genuine to me that I actually felt my heart stirring with excitement after a very long time. I felt a multitude of emotions passing through me and leaving me speechless as I tried my hardest to form words. He probably hadn't even realized how much those words had affected me.

"But I am glad that you didn't marry off with him though.." he smiled when he started his statement.

"Because if you were married to him, then he may not have approved of you being with me so much. And that would make me so sad because I really love your company a lot," he had a very big, teethy, smile when he said that. It was one of those rare moments that I got to witness that.

If I had thought that my heart was excited before, then the sensation I had felt in my chest next was pretty close to a tornado passing through. My heartbeats were drumming in my ears and I was so afraid that he may hear them too. So I did what I always do in these situations - improvise.

I quickly took out my phone and took his picture. He hadn't realized what I was doing because it was all so quick. After taking a snap of his picture, I showed it to him.

"Do you see him? This is the guy who made me see the world in little more hopeful light. So can you do me a favor? Can you search for this for me? I really want to see him again."

For the second time that day, Swayam engulfed me in a hug. This time, the hug was lot more assured.

"Thank you. Thank you so much," he whispered to me as he let me go.

"The only way you can thank me is to keep on smiling like that."

After that encounter, things began to fall into place. He started becoming more open about his feeling and reconnecting with his family and other close friends. This also meant that I visited him at home as well now. It was so much easier to talk to him now.

While everything was going well for him, something was slowly dawning on me. I was falling for him. At first, I tried to keep the personal factor away from the job but I just couldn't manage it with him for some reason. His unnerving smile and his caring attitude always got to me. He also had this tendency of making me feel like I am the most important person to him with his one tender look. Of course, I couldn't let him do that because he had a false notion of me being his savior when I was merely doing my job. This meant that I had to clarify that with him and tell him the truth since he was in a good enough mental state to hear me out.

So that's exactly what I did. I brought him aside and told him the truth. The look on his face when he heard what I told him was of betrayal and deep hurt. Of all the questions he had, he asked me the strangest one.

"Why didn't you tell me this before?"

This was strange to me because I felt like I had already answered that by telling him that I wanted to take him out of his depression first and he was only responding to a friend side of me, not a professional. I had already mentioned at how his dad wanted to hide it because he didn't want to seek any professional help.

However, I re-iterated it to him again. He just smiled sadly.

"I knew you were far too good at pep-talks to just be my friend. There was no way that I could have gotten that lucky huh?"

"Swayam, you're taking this wrong. I am still your friend. Just because I am your therapist of sorts doesn't mean we can't be friends."

Swayam just shook his head at me and smiled sadly.

"Don't worry too much now. I am well and fine. You've done your job wonderfully here!"

I knew he was disheartened but I also knew that it would be better if he heard it from me. After that incident, I didn't hear from him for a long time until one afternoon when my phone vibrated with a message from the one and only lover-boy himself.

Did you ever think of me like a friend? - Swayam

Always... - Sharon

After I sent him that text, I didn't hear from him again. After not being able to see him for one more month, I couldn't hold off any longer. I needed to talk to him. His eyes were haunting me, and his smile stayed embedded in my memory. I needed this sort of link with him. When I told my dad that I am going to see him, my dad lit up. He told me that Swayam had been withdrawing again. His father was afraid that he may go into depression again.

I was done with this. I could feel my blood boiling as I made my way to his home. What had he told me? That he would take care of himself and that my job was done? No, it wasn't and I was going to grill it into his thick skull until he understood that.

I saw him as soon as I entered the premises of his home. I saw him standing quietly while watering the plants. I yelled out his name, making him jolt out of his thoughts and put the water pipe down.

"Why are you here Sharon?"

The nerve of this guy.

"See, I heard a really funny story today. I heard that the guy who was so boldly claiming that he was fine and didn't need my help anymore was going back to his old ways. I am just here to see how much of that is true."

"Did my dad send you here?"

"No but I never leave my job undone."

"So this is what it is to you, a job? Well Sharon I am sorry but I don't want it." That flat rejection really stung.

"No, not job. It's care. I care about you Swayam."

"Really? Why? Is it one of those things that you say to every patient to gain their trust? Well thank you for your community service today Sharon, I am really humbled. Now you can leave."

"Swayam, don't do this. Don't push me away. I am not here as a therapist. I am here as a friend."

"Really? Then why do I remember you being here before as a therapist then? Odd right? No you're not my friend. You're a professional who's trying to grill into my thoughts and offering a shoulder for me to cry. You're someone who doesn't give a damn about me but only does this to get good money out of this. You're someone who's pretending to by friend, while showing fake concern."

"Fake concern? You think that everything that I told you so far was fake? Damn it Swayam! I told you things that I never told anyone before and all you can say is that I was pretending so I could get your money? I was the one who approached your dad because I was curious with what happened to you. I was the one who offered my help for you, free of charge. I did all of that just so you could get better. So how dare you? How dare you call my concern and effort fake?" I huffed in anger.

"But why? Why did you want to help me so much?"

"At first, it was because I couldn't see you so sad. I remember you being so lively and it's so rare to see someone like that these days so I naturally wanted to help."

"And now?"

"Isn't it obvious? If I didn't care about you then I would have never even told you about everything. I value what we have. I cherish it. Swayam it's the most obvious thing isn't it? I love you.."

Swayam stopped dead in his tracks and looked at me, wide-eyed. After a brief moment of intense eye-lock, he rushed towards me and stood there hesitantly.

"Look.." before I couldn't finish my sentence, he took me in the warmth of his embrace and shut me off.

"I swear Sharon, if it's another one of your therapeutic way of getting me out of depression because you know how much I have been dying to hear those from you, then tell me now. Don't lead me on. Because this time, there won't be any coming out of it. I will be crushed."

I didn't really have much to say to that because I always believed that actions speak louder than words. So, I wrapped my hands firmly around him in a reassuring embrace.

When I look back at it now, it wasn't really about me doing any saving. It was actually him. He saved me from drowning in self-loathing about the flaw that took my love away from me because that was the same flaw that brought me to someone who could accept me for who I was as well. My past has taught me that first love may not always be your last but it definitely teaches you things to make sure that you don't screw things up with your last one.

Now? Well, now we are busy with the preparations for our wedding. It was a rocky road before and will probably be the same ahead too. However, we are both content. A psychiatrist and a businessman - both experienced in the tough battles of life - so what could possibly go wrong?

I hope you guys liked the story. I haven't proofread it so sorry for any typos. It's a bit different from what I had in mind. Also, I am not that familiar with whole process of therapy and how exactly do psychiatrists or therapists actually go about treating patients, so I made all of that up. Thank you so much for reading it and please do drop a comment or any feedback since it's much appreciated.