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35
Maa,
The last time I wrote to you was nearly three years back. Now that I come to think of it, nothing has happened in my life till then that was worth sharing with you. No, I have not forgotten you. I miss you always. And I have been miserable without you.
Until recently.
I have been telling you about everything and anything that seemed important to me - when I passed school, when we got Di married, when I got my admission into Harvard, when I got my trade license. I have been telling you about all my business ventures most of which probably did not interest you much. But today I am going to tell you about the best thing that has ever happened to me - since you have left. And I think this will be of your interest.
I have always believed that I was destined to be a loner. It was my decision to not let myself get too close to anyone. I saw you suffer and those memories are etched in my heart. I have seen Di and Maami ache too. I can never forget how much hurt I have seen in my loved ones' eyes - hurt that was caused by the ones they had loved. I chose not to let anyone have so much power to have my heart trampled. I had been so sure I had my heart safe.
Until she came into my life.
My heart is no longer safe. Or perhaps it is - with her. Quite frankly, it does not matter anymore. If not for her, I would not have been probably writing to you for another few years. She is that special.
She came into my life like a puzzling storm. In my curious attempt to solve her mysteries, I have only got myself more tangled up everyday - in her. She is crazy. This is enough to describe her perfectly. And she is also beautiful - enough to have my heart at peace.
Before I tell her, I wanted you to know. That I love her. No, I have not told her yet, but I am going to do it. Unless I do, I fear I will not be able to have her with me. All my life.
I have always thought that having my heart broken was my biggest fear. I, however, have realized lately that the possibility of losing her is a fear much, much bigger than any fear I have ever had. And so I am willing to take the chance. I am willing to make my heart vulnerable to anything if that means she will be with me. Only me. Forever.
She looks at life so differently that she used to unsettle me. The more she has shown me her world, the greedier I have become to have a share of that. I never could imagine that she was alone like me in this world; her parents are long gone too. Unlike me, she has made them a part of her world. Do you know she believes that her parents have become stars? And she talks to them everyday. Anyone would think that I must have laughed at her, but I just wanted to believer her - that her belief is right; that you have become star too.
I met her at work. No, she does not work for me. But we are working together for some time now. When I first saw her, I just thought she was one pretty, traditional Indian girl. But as I have seen her talk about her stupid ideas, I have most unwillingly learnt to admit that she was more than a pretty face. And then she surprised me one day by walking into my office to tell me she liked me. I am not sure what made me give in to her whim, but I did. The rest has been a rather strange journey of discovering more about her; and me, as well. She does all these crazy things and she makes me do things I would never do otherwise. And I like it that way.
She is a fool. Only a fool can love a man like me - even after knowing I was not capable enough of giving her a life she deserved. She still told me she loved me. And I could not let her go. I selfishly held onto her and she let me. And finally I have realized that love gives you the courage to get past your inhibitions. And she has taught me that.
Everyone absolutely loves her. Di, Maami and even, Nani. It feels so strange seeing her among them. It just seems perfect. She is meant to be here. She is meant to be with us. She is meant to be with me.
I don't know how I am going to tell her but I will. I have to. In some way or other.
Her name is Khushi, by the way. And I am very eager to introduce her to you as a Raizada Bahu. As your Bahu. Soon.
Yours,
Arnav
***
Arnav folded the letter neatly and placed it inside the wooden box. As he closed its lid, a soft smile adorned his lips and a feeling of deja vu engulfed him. He was feeling like a fourteen year old Arnav, secretly writing to his mother and saving in a box. The first time Arnav had written a letter to his mother was when Devyani Singh Raizada had taken them in. He had written to her about how he and Anjali were finally feeling home and how they had decided to denounce their father's surname. This letter was followed by a number of letters and notes - all of which contained his achievements or any other news that he had deemed good. He had not written about his hardship. He had not written about his Di's broken marriage. He had not written about his diabetes. He had wanted to share the good things only. His brain had always told him this was meaningless, but at some corner of his heart still resided the fourteen year old boy who had believed his mother was still there watching over him.
Tonight, after finishing one of his longest letters, he had realized that this perhaps was what would have made his mother happier than anything else in the world. And the thought gave him peace. And happiness.
Now that he had his mother's blessings with him, it was time he focused on letting Khushi know of his feelings. And he better think of something fast, he reminded himself grumbling as he remembered the long queue of the zealous beaus he was foreseeing at the door of her house.
Incessant knocks on his door brought Arnav out of his reverie. He frowned wondering who it could be at this time of the night. He opened the door to a nervous Akash.
"Bhai, I needed to talk to you," Akash re-fixed his glasses.
Arnav moved away from the door letting Akash come inside the room. He eyed Akash fidgeting with his hair and glasses; the gesture was quite as per his usual character. Arnav's frown deepened. The thought was rather disturbing that his brother was almost in the queue to seek the hands of his Khushi.
"Yes, Akash?"
"Woh, Bhai .."
Arnav raised his eyebrows.
"Woh .. kya hai ki .."
"Spill it, Akash."
"Mom wants me to get married," Akash spluttered.
"Ok?"
Arnav's calm countenance was pretty much the opposite of how he was feeling inside. That was definitely old news to him. What started bothering him was the possibility of the over-enthused Raizada ladies to have already put forward their "brilliant" proposal to Akash. Was Akash about to request him to convey his acceptance of the proposal to the ladies? Damn. That did sound like Akash. Shy and ever obedient. Damn, Damn. Who would say no to Khushi? Damn, Damn, Damn.
"Before talking to Maa, I wanted to tell you first. And .. and it's important to know how you feel about it .. "
Oh no. The course of the conversation did not seem very promising.
"If you have any objection .."
Of course, I have objection, you idiot. Arnav grumbled inwardly.
"Ji, Bhai?"
"Nothing. Carry on."
"Bhai, I really like her. And I am serious about it. But I needed to know first if you would be okay with us being together .."
"Why shouldn't I be?" Arnav gave his best possible effort to keep his cool. Of course, I won't be, stupid fool.
"I mean the kind of history you share .." Akash kept mumbling.
What? How could Akash know? In fact, how could anyone know at all? They had been so discreet all along! Damn. Were there other people who knew?
"Bhai," Akash swallowed. "If you knew who I was talking about .."
Say it, you idiot. Arnav cursed silently. And don't you dare name, Khushi.
"Though she thinks you would not care .."
"Who, Akash?" Arnav finally lost his temper. When would Akash learn to talk directly?
"Lavanya!" Akash finally spilled.
Phew.
A nervous Akash hardly noticed how his brother was relieved from a mountain load in the instant he finally managed to say the name. He was too engrossed in his own dilemma. How many brothers were shameless enough to want to marry the ex-girlfriend of his brother? God, he was so ashamed of himself. He could hardly raise his head to see the reaction in Arnav's face. His only bet was - he was glaring.
On the contrary, Arnav's face perhaps had not seemed any calmer ever. The feeling of intense relief was now mixed with slight curiosity. Akash and Lavanya? Seriously? When did his geek brother cook this up? That too without anyone knowing?
"Bhai.." Akash mumbled as he tried looking up.
"You are sure you want to marry her?" Arnav's voice was devoid of any emotion and it made Akash swallow again. Only if his brother was not so unreadable.
"Yes, Bhai. And Lav's parents are coming back in a week.."
"Are you sure, Akash?" The concern in Arnav's voice was evident. Once he had realized Akash was not talking about Khushi, the shock of the news hit him. Lavanya and Akash. He could not remember even seeing them talk ever. And they were so different from each other. In fact, Akash wanting to marry by his choice was a shocking enough news.
"Are you sure you are not rushing?" Arnav continued. "I mean .. if I consider the timeline of my relationship with her .. you two are going out for only a few months now, right?"
"Bhai, we love each other," Akash finally looked up being assured a little by Arnav's concerned tone. He pleaded earnestly. "Love not necessarily needs years to confirm. It .. it feels right. And we both don't want to wait.. but we were just worried how you would.."
Arnav almost smiled. Lectured by Akash Singh Raizada on love. Was that really happening? And who knew better than him that love just happened. It had nothing to do with time or place or even how different the person is from you.
"There is nothing to worry if you are that sure," Arnav assured him. "Frankly, you will be the one living with her and if you have no issue with our history, it really does not matter."
"Bhai.."
"Congratulations, Akash," Arnav finally smiled. "Mamiji will be very happy to hear about you and Lavanya. I am not sure though, how Nani would react."
Akash swallowed nervously. Was it a sin to marry one's brother's ex-girlfriend? And Lavanya did not really match with Nani's idea of a Raizada Bahu. How was he going to manage it all?
"Come on, Akash!" Arnav startled Akash by suddenly engulfing him into a strong hug. "Everything will be fine. And I am here. Let me know if you need my help. I will talk to everyone."
"Bhai .. you are sure .. I mean .. .. "
"Let it go, Akash. You should really know me better."
Akash finally reciprocated the hug and a relieved smile started to break through his nervousness. The conversation had not been as he had expected. Thank God.
As Arnav closed the door, an ear to ear silly grin appeared on his face.
Good. Akash had solved the problem without him having to do anything at all. Akash would get his wife and he would get his too. And Mamiji would get his bahu and Khushi in the house, as well. Perfect.
All that was left there to do was to tell her what he had in his mind.
Simple.
***
"I have a bad news for you," Arnav broke the "bad" news solemnly as he sipped his wine. "Akash is not marrying you."
Khushi looked up from her plate of Mushroom Risotto. She faked a sigh.
"I am heartbroken."
Arnav grinned.
"I can guess. I know how eager you are to get married. All I have to do is break your heels and your life will be ruined. No one will marry you."
Memories came rushing to both of them of the night of their first date when Arnav had taken her to a corporate party. They both remembered how they had fought and how Khushi had ended up hurting herself fearing her leg had broken. She even got Arnav scared with her whining about being a limp.
"I am going to be a limp. No one is gonna marry me."
Khushi grinned too.
"I really go over the top sometimes."
"Sometimes?" Arnav raised his eyebrows.
Khushi stuck her tongue out and dig into her food with more vigor.
Arnav kept smiling thinking of that night again. It was hardly two months back but it felt as if it was a memory from years ago. Had they really come so far in such a short time? He remembered how mad he had been after knowing that she was scoring him. She and her "stupid" ideas. Well, he was lucky that he was part of her "stupid" idea too.
"You know what's funny, Arnav? It feels like I have known you for years now."
Arnav looked into her eyes. Those were mirroring his thoughts.
"I know."
Khushi smiled.
The day had been hectic at AR today. They had hardly seen each other the whole day. Arnav had been busy with his other projects. Khushi had been busy with AR design team. Today was her last day in Delhi and this was her last opportunity to shape up the project requirements. Arnav had picked her up from her hotel at 6. As promised, he had entertained her with as much street food as she had demanded. He had hardly eaten anything though. The amusement in his face while watching her gobbling the street snacks one after another, however, had been quite evident. Khushi then had proposed to have Italian for dinner knowing it was Arnav's favorite cuisine.
"So how did your family react to Akash's refusal?" Khushi asked as she moved on to the fat slice of Tiramisu.
"Well, they don't know yet. In fact, he had not refused. He likes someone else."
"Oh?" Khushi's eyes rounded thinking of the shy, nervous, hardly-looking-at-girls, Akash Singh Raizada. She could not remember if he had ever talked directly looking at her. In fact, later when she had thought about the match between him and herself, she had ended up laughing.
"I know. Even I was surprised. Wait till you hear the name."
"OK?"
"Lavanya," Arnav looked straight into her eyes. "She and I used to .."
"I know," Khushi replied little awkwardly.
Arnav raised his eyebrows.
"In fact," Khushi blinked. "I know about all the women you have been with over past 2-3 years. As much as the media covered."
"Oh," Arnav kept staring at her and then suddenly gave one of his most boyish smiles. "I have never felt bad about having girlfriends before. Until this moment."
Khushi stared at his smiling face and the warmth in her heart was elevated by the increasingly fast beating of her heart. She knew about his girlfriends or female companions. She knew none of his "relationships", if you can call them that, had managed to last even for a year. They had not talked on the subject ever. It was surprising how it still did not make her feel a bit of anything at all. She really did not care.
"Too bad you have been hanging around with the wrong type of women. I will say it is your bad luck and you should not feel bad about it."
Arnav's smile grew bigger as Khushi winked at him meaningfully. Damn, he was lucky.
Khushi wiped her mouth clean as she made her decision.
"Now that I know about all or most of your girlfriends, I think it is fair enough that you know about mine too."
Arnav's smile faltered.
"Well, my list is not as long as yours," Khushi continued with fake seriousness. "But I was going out with someone in my university. We thought we were in love. We broke up after few months when we realized it might have been attraction not love."
Arnav waited for her to say more.
"And there ends my list," Khushi said dramatically. "Sorry to disappoint you."
Arnav smiled.
"Though I want to pretend that I don't care, which apparently you don't, about my past. I have to admit that I feel .. not good."
"What?! Why?"
"Simply because, Khushi .. I am a very possessive man. Knowing you have felt, even if for a little while, that you loved him makes me want to erase that memory from your heart. It is unreasonable, I know. But I can't help."
Khushi smiled.
"Point noted, Mr. Raizada. Since you already know it is unreasonable we are not going to talk about it anymore. Besides, I have a broken heart to attend to."
Arnav laughed as Khushi faked a deep sigh putting both her hands over her heart.
"In that case, Ms. Gupta, let me do something to help you tend your broken heart."
"What do you have in mind, Mr. Raizada?"
"I will tell you, no, show you, once we are in our apartment."
Arnav stood up.
"Let's Go."
Reviewed By: Ritz (iritz)
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