The first time Bulbul thinks that maybe she's going to be ok, it's their one month anniversary and Suresh surprises her with a rose and a teddybear and a quiet comment that he thinks they've been doing alright so far.
She'd never imagined him as the type for romantic gestures, but over the past few weeks she's had plenty of opportunity to see how thoughtful and conscientious he is, how very little he expects for himself and how much he gives to the world.
And she thinks that maybe she didn't make such a bad choice after all, even if it was all because of majboori...
***
The first time she feels attraction for him it's three months into their marriage and Racho has just had her baby.
Suresh is the most devoted and competent Mama there could ever be, and watching him with his niece is a revelation for Bulbul. He's sweet and patient with Rachna, too, and though he has a hundred anxieties about whether he's providing enough and whether he's thought of everything, he never once makes his sister feel like she and her baby are a burden.
Bulbul finds herself wondering if he would be the same way as a father, or if maybe then his worries and lack of distance would get the best of him, and for a half a second she can see herself on a hospital bed with a tiny dark-haired infant squalling in her arms, and Suresh by her side fretting about whether the doctors have been thorough enough with their first check up...
...And then she comes back to herself with a shock of revulsion and remembers that she is way too young to think about children and she is glad that Suresh hasn't brought up any expectations along those lines...
***
The first time Suresh feels attraction for her without guilt, she's all dolled up for his niece's namkaran and she's taken charge of the event with all the natural ease and commanding air of a girl who grew up in a marriage hall.
She's very excited for the preparations and she's determined to show their gudiya's daadi that they are no less than Rockstar Abhi's family and that they can pull off a perfect blend of ritual and celebration for this first big moment in the baby's life.
The sober religious ceremony and the lively party afterward both go off without a hitch, and that night as she gets ready for bed she's chattering with so much happiness about her success that he can finally see the girl he fell in love with again, the carefree, confident Bulbul who seemed to have shattered earlier that year with everything that happened in her family.
And he is so fiercely glad that she's made it, that she's whole and happy again, and so finally it doesn't bother him when his eyes catch on the sight of her bare waist and he wishes he could just go up to her and help her unpin that orange sari, because those are just the same old familiar feelings he's lived with for years, and his unrequited longing again starts to feel normal instead of monstrous...
***
The first time Bulbul feels possessive about her husband, the lecturer that replaced Di at the college comes over for dinner and completely monopolizes the conversation.
This Shwetha is nice enough, and obviously very smart and accomplished, but Bulbul doesn't like the way she's constantly looking into Suresh's eyes as they talk, how she casually reaches to pat his hand, how she seems to be smiling all the time at her mother-in-law but barely looks at Rachna or herself.
She very much does not enjoy the long tangent the two professors get on about the problems with the administration at their school, and for the first time Bulbul wishes she paid more attention to this other half of Suresh's life. He spends most of his days at the college, and he's busy with students and classes and grading and she's never worried about it, that's just what Suresh does, but now she thinks maybe she should know more exactly about all the little challenges her husband deals with at work.
She is relieved when Shwetha finally gets up to leave, and subtly discourages Suresh from giving her a lift home, and pointedly does not second her mother-in-law's invitation for Shwetha to join them again.
That night she goes to bed before Suresh but she's still awake when he settles in, and without saying anything she curls up to him, resting her head on his shoulder and throwing her arm across his chest. She doesn't answer when he tries to talk to her and finally he just accepts it, his arm coming around to settle on her back, and Bulbul doesn't question why she feels so satisfied to be in his embrace...
***
The first time they cuddle outside of bed, it's because they finally have the flat to themselves.
Rachna and the baby have moved in with Akaash - not at Mehra mansion, but in a little place of their own, and without the benefit of a new wedding because Akaash has finally made his family accept that their previous mandir marriage is valid enough and because Rachna doesn't want all the hassle.
Maa has returned to the village and she says she'll be back but she hasn't given a specific timeline, so suddenly Suresh and Bulbul are just like any other newlywed couple with a flat of their own, and the change is liberating indeed.
One evening Bulbul makes Suresh watch a movie with her on her laptop, and he tries to get out of it by claiming he wouldn't enjoy it and he has grading to do, but Bulbul won't take no for an answer and Suresh can't really say no to her anyway.
So they watch the comedy, and over the course of the film, they go from sitting on the same sofa to sitting next to each other to leaning into each other until finally Suresh's arm is around Bulbul's shoulders, and his hand is stroking absently down her arm, and Bulbul's head is against his chest and she can heart his heart beat and it's an impossibly warm cozy moment but also utterly normal and both of them feel like life is just fine after all...
***
The first time they dance together, it's Aaliya's engagement party with her new NRI Australian fiance and the song is Pehli Nazaar Mein.
Bulbul has been dancing to the more energetic songs with Purvi and Puneet, but when the DJ starts up with the slow romantic songs, Pragya pulls Suresh away from the wall and onto the dance floor. Abhi shows up to be Pragya's partner and Suresh is handed off to his wife and he feels so awkward because he never dances.
But Bulbul smiles at him and takes his hand and then there are no words for the next few minutes, only the longest eyelock of his life, and his hands on Bulbul's skin, and an overwhelming sense of unreality clashing with the plain simple truth that he is just dancing with his wife like any other man and there is nothing complicated about it at all...
***
The first time Suresh starts to think that maybe it's not just a matter of time until Bulbul decides to move on with her life and leave him is the day she learns that Purab has moved to Germany, and all she has to say is "Good riddance."
Then she starts asking him about if they could maybe go to Goa for a beach holiday because it's been too long since she's left the city and she just wants to have fun. He realizes then that she often brings up little plans like this, as if she enjoys spending time with him and wants them to be more of a couple.
He thinks that maybe, just maybe, she has accepted this as a real marriage and not just a desperate plan, and maybe she's not secretly looking for an escape route, and maybe there can be a future for them...
***
The first time they kiss, it's the day that Bulbul's been promoted to account manager at the job she finally started a few months after their wedding.
She gets home late that day because there was a client dinner, and Suresh is just having a quiet evening at home preparing that term's exams. She pulls him out of his chair and excitedly jumps against him, hugging him and making him dance with her because she's so excited.
It takes him a moment to sort through her babble but when he gets the point, he holds her by the shoulders and makes her stand still, and he tells her that he's very proud of her and by the way she should start directing her new income into an FD because he wants her to have personal savings and she gets restless and leans up to kiss him just because it will shut him up (but also because she's been thinking about it more and more and sometimes she gets distracted at work and it's almost a miracle that she's impressed her bosses enough to get a promotion at all).
He is surprised and freezes, but she keeps her lips on his, and wraps her arm around his neck, and finally he returns her embrace too, and the moment stretches...and then they pull apart and look at either shyly and she goes to change and they don't talk about what just happened...
***
The first time her hands stray, it's after they've gotten in the habit of cuddling and kissing in bed at night.
Usually Suresh pulls away after a few minutes, insisting that they've gone far enough, and Bulbul sighs and accepts it and rolls back onto her side of the bed.
Then he'll disappear to the bathroom and she'll hear the shower running for 15 minutes and he'll come backing smelling fresh with damp hair and quietly take his side of the bed.
One night Bulbul decides enough is enough and when he wants to pull away, she doesn't let him.
She murmurs that she's his wife and she wants to help and her hand slides past the waistband of his sleep trousers. And he tries to tell her that no, really, it's ok, but Bulbul knows what she wants and what he needs and soon enough he loses the ability to form words...
***
The first time his hands stray, it's a week later and he's intent on returning the favour, but in his own way.
Suresh doesn't want to presume too much or push too far, so he pretends it's just a normal night and they have their usual quiet dinner and he listens to her talk about her day and her latest conversation with her Di and what she thinks they should get for their niece the next time they visit Rachna and Akaash.
Then he lets her do the dishes and goes to their room where he has arranged a mirror and some candles. He's gotten tired of everything being in the dark and under the covers and tonight he wants them both to be able to see what they share.
She is amused and intrigued when he pulls them in front of the mirror. He holds her back to his front, and starts to tell her in a low voice what exactly he likes about her body - which is everything, but his survey is slow and thorough and even though both of their clothes stay on, that night Bulbul learns that her husband has very talented hands, and that what he can do with his voice should probably be outlawed, but it's ok as long as it's just for her...
***
The first time they make love it's their anniversary and they're finally on that beach honeymoon Bulbul has always wanted. Suresh is completely out of his element with all the young people partying at the hotel, but after the first day it doesn't matter because neither of them are that interested in leaving their room.
***
The first time she tells him she loves him is when they're packing up to go back home from their honeymoon, because her heart's bursting with joy and she's not shy about anything anymore. He's both embarrassed and gratified by her enthusiasm and he kisses her and tells her he loves her too. And then the packing becomes a bit of a mess because they need the bed for other activities...
***
The first time they both realize that they can't remember the last time they thought of the beginning of their marriage with regret is the night that Pragya and Abhi come over to share their good news.
Bulbul is very excited to know her Di is expecting, and Suresh is surprised to find that Abhi's over the top anxiety is actually very entertaining. He thinks that he wouldn't possibly be that bad when it's his turn, and then he thinks that maybe it's time he mentions the possibility to Bulbul. He'd never want to rush her but at least it's something that they can think about.
He doesn't know that Bulbul already has a very firm plan about that, and she will soon explain to him the schedule for their first child, and their next child, and how she's going to manage her career around being a mother and what she expects from him and a hundred other things.
By then both of them have finally stopped caring about first times, because it's much more interesting to look ahead to all the next times they will share over the years in their life together.
~The End~
