SAHIL OS - FROM DARKNESS TO LIGHT
Finally an explosion. Finally it all came out. For weeks he had held it
all in. Since his Nikaah, he tried to pretend he didn't care. He tried to tell
himself that he hated her now coz she married him for money. But then he had
the accident and she started acting like she actually cared?
All those "feelings" he was trying to
suppress, all the care and attention he got from his wife had brought it all
back to the fore! That "Junooni" Ishq he had tried to supress, had
come to such a point that he even got Rehan ousted from the house so as to have
his wife all to himself! Watching their closeness had almost become a physical
pain he could no longer bare. He had broken the dream house in a fit of rage.
But long before it's physical inception, HE had been building a dream house in
his mind. He had started to believe the "Lie". He had started to
believe that they were a real couple. Today when his Mother told him that she
was taking too much interest in his past, when he kept telling her to stay out
of it, it opened up old wounds. YES he had been vulnerable and shown her a side
of himself he never showed anyone. He put his guard down and now he was paying
for it. That is why he didn't believe in showing anyone who he really was. The
truth was, no one would ever accept the real him.
Even his own family members didn't know him
fully. The only people who knew him much at all were his Mother and Rehan. No
one else, he had ever let close. All the women he had ever been involved with
had all been on the surface only. He had never shown them himself. They never
really knew him. Non of them had seen him having his nightmare. He hadn't held
them, wanting the shadows to disappear. He had always "acted" like he
was invincible. In the start, he had acted the same way with Sanam too. He was
sure, she thought he was a total jerk. He had been fine with it. It was better
than being thought of as weak. As vulnerable. No he was not that. That was what
his father had reduced him to, and as he grew up, he had decided to never be a
victim again. Never be a slave. Not to anything, and most definitely not to his
emotions. He could never risk letting anyone see the emotions he felt. No one
valued emotions in this world. People only valued money. He had learned that
the hard way.
Everyone who came into his life as he had become
an adult had always wanted something from him. They had all wanted to be close
to "Aahil Raza Ibrahim". What that name stood for. Wealth, old money
and power. Respect. He had accepted it. But deep down never felt he deserved
it. It was all a lie. The legacy he got from HIM. His father who had never
treated him like a son. Who had never loved him. Even in death, he had left him
a Will with so many conditions. So many hoops for him to jump through to get
his money. He didn't want the damn money in the first place. If not for his
Mother and her insistence, he would have happily walked away from it all. He
didn't want HIS money. He had money of his own from the business he ran. Most
of it he had built on his own merit. Maybe some doors opened for him because of
his last name "Raza Ibrahim". But tomorrow if he were to leave all
this behind and change his name, he was sure he could still stand on his own
two feet on his merit alone. Sometimes he just wanted to walk out that door and
never look back. Sometimes he wanted to know what it would feel like to just be
"Aahil".
His marriage to Sanam had never been something
he thought would happen. He had never thought that she would become a part of
his life, because despite developing feelings for her, he had realised that she
didn't feel the same way about him. Of course she didn't. She preferred Rehan.
He was not scarred like him. He was darkness and Rehan was light. So of course
she had been drawn to the light. Why would she want to wallow in his darkness
with him? WHO would want to be a part of his darkness? No one. But then she had
started to act like she actually cared? The way she looked after him? The way
she seemed to want to spend time with him? He had started to look forward to
those moments with her. Even just sleeping on the same bed with her, knowing
she was there, gave him a warm secure feeling. When he was with her, it all
felt SO right. Even the darkness turned into light.
But still she had seen it. The side of him he
tried to hide. Because being in this room with him day and night, she had
witnessed something no other women besides his Mother knew of. His nightmares.
The first time he had his nightmare after his Nikaah, he had held on to her. He
didn't even know that he had done that, until the morning. When she questioned
him he had been angry. How dare she act like she really wanted to know? She was
only in it for the money? So he had snapped at her and asked her to mind her
own business. Yes he had been rude, but that was his only defense against
letting her see the broken and vulnerable side of him. The second time he had
the dream, she had held him and he had drawn comfort from her. He had willingly
stayed in her arms like he had all the right to be there. She had held him like
she wanted him there. She asked him again, and this time too he had told her
not to ask. Less rudely but still he didn't want her to know. HOW can he let
her know who he really was? A killer? Will she ever love a killer?
Today she had talked of the "kids
room" in the house. She had pretended it was for Faiz and Haya's kids, but
they both knew it was their kids the room was for. All those things she said
about what she wants him to teach the kids? English, maths and cricket? How
much he had wanted all that to be true. For a moment he had felt like he was a
normal guy, with a normal life. Talking about having kids with the girl he
loved. But he was not a normal guy, and the girl didn't love him. Why would she
want his kids? Would she even THINK of having kids with a guy who shot his
Father? WHY did she want to know about his past? So she can hold it against
him? Hold it over him? Or did she really want to know because it was a part of
him? The way his Mother made her sound, she sounded like all she wanted was
money. But he knew deep down that didn't feel right. Surely she didn't really
just want money?
"What do you think she really wants Aahil? YOU?"
The cynical side of him had to ask. He had spent the past hour driving around aimlessly. He didn't know what to do now. He had totally exploded in front of her, and shown her that it MATTERED to him what she thought? He had asked her why she pretended to care? Why she pretended to love him? He had gone there! Where he should not have gone. Shown her that he really didn't want this to be a lie. She was no fool. Would she have realised how he felt about her? How was he going to face her now?
There was no point delaying the inevitable. He
had to face her. Sooner or later. She was in his room after all. Where was he
going to go to hide from her? The best thing is to act like it was all ok.
Aahil walked into the house and walked through the hall towards his room. He
opened the door to find the room empty. Sanam was nowhere to be seen. The
broken dream house was in a corner of the room. Sanam had collected all the
pieces he had broken and put them in one pile. The foundation was all that
remained. The rest of the house was in tatters. He felt a lump in his throat
looking at the house. How many hours they had spent on it? How many chats they
had had making it? How many plans they had made while drawing out those plans?
WHY did it all have to be a lie? Why didn't he deserve to be happy?
"Because you're a killer Aahil. Your father was an abuser, but you killed him. You turned out to be just like him. Violent. In fact, your worse than him. Don't you see that? At least he didn't kill anyone?"
"No. No I am not. I am not worse than him. I am NOTHING like him. Nothing! I was a child and he was the adult. He pushed me so far that I could no longer take it. I don't even remember shooting him. How could I have done that"?
All he remembered was waking up with a gun in his hand, and his Mother telling him he had shot his Father. It had haunted him day and night. The only time he had not felt like a killer, was when he had saved Sanam. For the first time he had felt like a saviour. For even giving him that one moment of peace, for making him dream a dream of being in love, and being loved back, he owed it all to her! Even if he gave her all his money, it would never pay for what she had given him. A new identity. A new sense of self. For weeks he had been flying high on his feelings. Dreaming dreams of Sanam and how he saved her, not nightmares of his Father and how he killed him. But it was still all a lie. She didn't really want to be in his life. She had made a "deal" to be a part of it. Maybe even killed her feelings for Rehan to do it! HOW could she do that to him? To Rehan? The person he had seen in the past few months and the person that his Mother tried to paint for him were just not the same. This callous women who sold herself for money, who killed her emotions and stored her heart in ice, and the warm Sanam that cared for everyone and love everyone, were just not the same. The past few weeks he had been basking in the glow of her warmth. How she fussed over every little thing of his. He pretended to be irritated, but he had loved it! He had loved HER! All over again.
Suddenly the door of the washroom opened and Sanam walked out. She stopped short when she saw him. Her eyes looked a bit puffy and she was looking slightly pale. Had she been crying? Despite himself, he felt his heart hurt. Did HE do that to her? Make her cry like that?
"Aahil" she whispered, as she moved further into the room. Soon they were standing near the coffee table, facing each other.
"Sanam are you OK"? He could not help asking.
"No. Are you"?
Aahil closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
"No".
"Aahil...please listen to me. I never meant to hurt you. I didn't want to upset you. I just wanted so much to know what had happened in your childhood. I wanted to know YOU Aahil"!
At that, he opened his eyes and looked directly at her.
"WHY Sanam? Why do you want to know me? So you can get more 'insight' about me to win this competition? Or do you want some sort of ammunition against me"?
"How can you say such a thing Aahil? Why on earth would I want ammunition against you? I thought we had come a long way since you accused me of getting you a birthday cake out of some 'purpose'? But it seems your opinion of me is still the same? I thought you didn't hate me anymore. But maybe I was wrong"?
"Hate you? For God sake's Sanam do I LOOK like I hate you? Does a man want to know why a women he hates is taking such an interest in him? Why she wants to know about his past?"
"To use it against you right? That is the only reason a girl who married you for money would ever want to know about you?"
"Did you Sanam"? he asked softly.
"What"?
"Marry me for money"?
"You already believe I did".
"Maybe I don't want to believe it? Maybe I want to know why a girl like you, who was always so proud and strong would take money to get married to someone?"
"Even proud and strong girls need money Aahil. Everyone needs money to live".
"So you just took money from my Mother? You named your price to marry me, coz you knew she was desperate? She had to find someone to marry me to fulfil the conditions of the will? You took advantage of her desperation?"
"Took ADVANTAGE of your Mother? I don't think that it's possible for anyone to do that Aahil. I know you love your Mother, but she is not so naive that I can take advantage of her. You want to know why I took money from her? I took it because I was desperate. I needed money for my Badi Ammi's surgery. In exchange for that, your Mother asked me to marry you. Just for three months. So you can inherit your Father's estate. I didn't want to do it. But I felt indebted to her. So I wrote off three months of my life, and my sense of right and wrong, to compensate her for the money she paid for my grandmother! THAT is what happened Aahil. If anything SHE took advantage of MY desperation".
Aahil reeled under the weight of this revelation. He was looking at Sanam's eyes and she didn't seem to be lying. She never lied. He had known her for 6 months now, and he knew she didn't lie. But WHY had Ammi gone out of her way to make her look bad in his eyes? WHY was she always trying to tell him not to trust Sanam? Why did she want her out of his life? Even when she can tell that he has feelings for Sanam? Didn't she want him to be happy? Was it because Sanam had been their cook? He knew her parents had been well to do people here in Bhopal, before their death had forced Sanam's grandmother out of town. But maybe Ammi only cared about right now? Was Ammi so shallow that she was letting that stand in the way of his happiness?
"So you didn't do it for the money, but you still wanted out of this marriage when you got into it? Unlike me, you didn't think this was a lifetime commitment?"
"Did you really think this was a lifetime commitment Aahil?"
"Do you forget what I told you on our wedding night Sanam? I told you that now we have to share each other's destiny. Did that sound like someone who wanted a divorce in three months? It was always supposed to be forever Sanam".
"Yes with Nida. Not with me".
"Yes I had decided to make a commitment to Nida. Not because I wanted to. But because Ammi needed me to. I was doing it for her".
"You said yes to me for the same reason".
"No I didn't.."
"What do you mean?"
"Before I tell you that, I want you to answer a question for me Sanam? WHY did you want to know about my childhood? Was it just curiosity or..."?
"I wanted to understand you Aahil. I wanted to HELP you get over whatever that was bothering you"?
"Why does a temporary husband's feelings matter to you Sanam? This is all a lie right? So why? I can have nightmares every night for the rest of my life, but in a few weeks, you don't have to witness it? So why do you want to help me"?
"Because I care about you Aahil. I care what happens to you".
"Like you care about a friend? Like you care about any person you happen to meet"?
"No...I ...I don't know" said Sanam who suddenly felt all confused and felt her cheeks burning at the scrutiny of his gaze.
"You don't know? Or you don't want ME to know?"
Aahil stepped forward and held Sanam by the arms.
"Tell me Sanam. Tell me it's not all a lie. Tell me that whatever that's been happening between us for the past few weeks, is not all in my head".
"Aahil...I..."
"You what? Are you that good at pretending?"
"I'm not pretending".
"Tell me why dammit?" Aahil said hoarsely.
"It's all your fault", said Sanam in desperation.
"What"?
Sanam moved her hands to the front of his t-shirt. Her fingers bunched on the material there.
"Why did you make me fall for you? WHY? When like your Mother says... We are poles apart. When we can never be"?
"She said that"?
"Yes, and somewhere she is right".
"No she's not. She could not be more wrong". Aahil's arms went around Sanam's waist and he pulled her flush against him.
"Do you love me Sanam"? He asked huskily.
Sanam's cheeks grew pink. She glanced away from him as she was feeling shy to meet his intense gaze. But she was no coward, so she looked back at him and into his eyes.
"Yes".
That one word sounded like the most unique music in Aahil's ears. That one word changed his life, his world. Him.His eyes went to Sanam's lips. They were slightly parted. She had the most beautiful and kissable lips. How many times he had wanted to feel those lips against his? Maybe from that first moment she had dared to raise her hand to him. He had threatened to kiss her then. It's been six months in the making, but this kiss was going to be worth it. He bent his head and covered Sanam's lips with his. As his lips touched hers, Sanam appeared startled by the contact. Then he felt it. Her fingers tightening on the front of his t-shirt, and he knew, she wanted this too. He started to move his lips on hers softly, and then as her lips started to soften and kiss him back, he darted his tongue out and ran it over her lips. The contact startled her and her lips parted. He got his chance and started to explore her mouth. Sanam made a little sound in her throat. This encouraged Aahil and he started to move the hands holding her waist further up. One hand went around further towards her back, and rested on the small of her back and the other moved up her side and cupped the soft weight of her breast. Sanam suddenly gasped at the contact. Her fingers that were grasping his t-shirt moved around his neck and she moved closer to him.
Aahil left her lips and moved his mouth down her jaw and her long smooth neck to the base of her neck. He nuzzled his lips there, and breathed in the heady scent of her skin.
"Sanam" he whispered huskily.
"Hmmm"
"I'm ready to tell you why I said 'Yes' to you. It was not for Ammi. I did it for me".
"For you?"
"Yes. For me. What guy says No, when he gets the chance to marry the girl he loves?"
"What...what did you say?"
Aahil lifted his head and looked into her eyes.
"I love you Sanam. Not just now, but I loved you then".
"No you didn't", said a shocked Sanam.
"Yes I did. I don't even know when I fell in love with you exactly. Maybe from the moment you burned my car, I knew you were something special. Maybe even before that, when you had the guts to talk back to me. But after I saved you from that graveyard, you brought me from the darkness into the light Sanam. You set me free from my prison of guilt. That night when the Kazi read out your name, instead of Nida's, I knew that I was getting a once in a lifetime opportunity. A chance to keep the light with me forever, and I took it. Maybe I was selfish, coz I knew Rehan loved you, and maybe you liked him too? But I couldn't let you go Sanam".
Sanam's eyes were wide with surprise. He had LOVED her? Even then? Here she had always thought he didn't even like her.
"Aahil...I had no idea. I thought you hated me."
"Trust me I tried, and I wanted to believe that I hated you. But I didn't. I don't think I ever did!"
Sanam had moved her arms from around his neck and was resting them on his chest now. She looked up at him, and into his eyes, and all she could see was a shining light. A burning fire. Suddenly she remembered something else he had said. He said something about Rehan 'loving' her?
"Aahil... what did you mean that Rehan loved me? That I liked him too"?
"Yes he loved you. He was going to propose. I thought you knew how he felt. That you liked him too".
"No I didn't. On both counts. So was THIS why you were always angry when I spent time with Rehan?"
"YES". One word said it all.
"I'm sorry" he said.
"What for"?
"For breaking the dream house".
"I understand why you were angry Aahil. But I am sorry too. Because we spent hours on it".
"Yes. But we'll build it again. We have today. I'll make sure you get your dream house Sanam".
"Our dream house", she said smiling.
"That kids room...? That was never for Faiz and Haya's kids was it?" said Aahil, looking at Sanam intently.
Sanam blushed. "No".
"So do you think we should work on that"?
"On what"?
Aahil shook his head.
"On populating that room in our dream house"? he said huskily.
Sanam cheeks flamed. "Aren't you getting ahead of yourself? We don't even have a dream house yet, Mr Aahil Raza Ibrahim?".
"It's never a bad idea to start planning sweetheart. I will call an architect next week".
"An Architect?"
"Yes. To draw up the plans for our house. I want to build that house for real Sanam. That will be the house we will have our family in".
At his words, Sanam's hands that were on his chest moved around his waist and she rested her face in his neck. Aahil too tightened his arms around her. They were caught in a bone crushing hug. Sanam moved her head on to his shoulder and looked up at him.
"I love you Aahil" she whispered.
"I love you too", said Aahil, as he covered his lips with hers.
There was time enough to tell her the story of his Father's death. He wanted to cherish this moment. The moment where the darkness finally left his life. Here comes the light!
The End
Hi Folks,
This was sort of a random rambling I came up with after watching last night's episode, and after hearing rumours of a possible confession. Hope you all like it. Please do leave comments. Cant wait for the M.E!
Cheers
Mandy
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